Headlines and Punchlines

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Jess Pratt

==TOP NEWS==
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A car thief stole a vehicle unaware that the automobile had 600 bottles of Adderall stashed in the trunk. Explains why it was a Ford Focus.

== POLLS, STUDIES AND SURVEYS ==
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A recent survey shows the average vacationers to Vegas are over-privileged college students celebrating turning 21. This explains the city’s new motto: “What Happens In Vegas…Also Happens At Weekend Frat Parties.”

== AROUND THE NATION ==
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AT&T is reported to have the worst reception of all mobile networks in the nation. Their cell phones signal stays at only one bar more than a cast member on “Cheers”.

== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
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A furniture store in Thailand is accused of being homophobic. They dispute these claims yet won’t explain why their bedroom sets sell all mattress sizes except queens.
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Canadian thieves stole £6,000 worth of clothes from JC PENNY. Police report the robbers are armed, dangerous, and poorly dressed.
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Hop Scotch & Four Square will both be inducted in the next World Olympics as official events. Though, to save time, no one will compete in either.

== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
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Bruce Willis was recently casted for a new action adventure where he portrays Pinocchio plugged into a polygraph. It’s called, “Lie Hard: No Strings Attached”.

== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
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It’s rumoured that Dave Grohl will be a judge in this year’s 2015 Miss America Pageant. This is an early boost for Miss Kentucky who’s talent is being incredibly overrated.
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Historians claim Milton & Bradley had multiple mistresses at once and picked up new girls nightly. No surprise, they’ve always had game.
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Next month’s issue of Playboy Magazine will feature Martha Stewart on the cover & centrefold. Of course, knowing Martha’s taste in home decorating, the carpet will undoubtedly match the drapes.

== SPORTS SPURTS ==
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This hockey season, the LA Kings have won 6 games. Where as their players have lost 22 teeth.

==TOP NEWS==
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The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Ellen.

== POLLS, STUDIES AND SURVEYS ==
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Two out of three people who drink moonshine still think the gum “Eclipse” covers the odour. One out of three people who drink moonshine currently have a DUI.

== AROUND THE NATION ==
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Denver, Colorado is banning hunters from using pizza to catch bears. They stopped using pizza after they accidentally trapped 3 stoners takings bong rips.
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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today, appeared on a talk show called, “Pasta and Politics.” It went so well that he’s agreed to go, “60 Minutes of Chewing”, “Lunch Time with Bill Mahr”, and “Anderson Cooper 360 Dishes”.

== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
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An optometrist in India will retire in five years making it the year 2020.

== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
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The season premiere of “Game of Thrones” aired last night receiving both ‘GOOD’ & ‘BAD’ Reviews from critics. One review read that, “…Nothing happens on the show: It’s like ‘C-Span’ with swords”. Then there were the ‘BAD’ Reviews.

== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
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Bruce Jenner had a lush life size self portrait painted of himself this week. By the time the artist finished, Jenner had another facelift so they just glued a mirror over the shoulders of the painting.

== SPORTS SPURTS ==
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Watched the Mets do a little off-season practice yesterday. They’re so bad, last time someone got to second base during one of their games was when their mascot was making out with a drunk chick.

==TOP NEWS==
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Over the weekend, Walmart announced a new program that will pay employees to take online classes at their local community college. Said Walmart employees, “We already went there. That’s why we work at Walmart.”

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George Lucas, the creator of “Star Wars,” is 70 years old today. George knowing this & 2 others would be commercially successful birthdays, he celebrated them out of order over 3 decades ago. This one was long awaited by close friends & family who were disappointed.

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Liam Neeson assigned his assistant with offering a $500,000 reward to help stop American gun violence. Meanwhile, Americans with guns just found out about a celebrity’s assistant who has $500,000.

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A pizzeria in Colorado is refusing to serve anybody who smells like marijuana. Today, they went out of business.

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A woman was arrested in “Missouri State Museum of History” this week after she was seen stealing a wallet and car. The woman could be sentenced to as much as six months at “Missouri’s State Museum of History”.

== POLLS, STUDIES AND SURVEYS ==
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New research shows that thousands of homes are robbed every year because people hide their house keys in obvious places. So, make sure you hide them where no one looks, like on your Facebook statuses.

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In Florida, there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And, despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to free the coloureds.

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9 outa 10 people stopped using computers thx to new technologies and think a “hard drive” refers to commuting on the LA Freeway.

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70% of people can’t quote Shakespeare. While 30% of people get invited to parties.

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4 out of 5 improv performers say they think off top of their head. 1 out of 5 say they think inside of it.

== AROUND THE NATION ==
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It’s rumored that Obama recently purchased a house in Hawaii that was featured on the show “Magnum P.I.” Not to be outdone, Hillary plans to move into the house that exploded on the movie Independence Day.

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Pennsylvania police say the Kappa Delta Rho fraternity at Penn State ran a private Facebook group for drug sales called “Covert business transactions.” Obviously, they’re in jail now. Going from Penn State to the State Penn.

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Several colleges have started setting up frat speed dating events for their students to engage with one another. While, other colleges have their students continuing to study.

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Over the weekend, Chris Christie got his annual physical. His body cholesterol is up and his approval rating is down.

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When you sign up for Obamacare, you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program, and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to perform the surgeries.

== AROUND THE GLOBE ==
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Some Northern California counties want to form a separate state. They smoke a lot of weed up there. What would you call a state based on marijuana? O-High-Yo. Kentucky-Fried-Chicken. How about Bong-Island? Ari-Stonah. Smoke-From-Home-Ah.

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An Canadian man called Ontario police Monday to report a fire safety hazard when people lined up to count how many blondes it took to screw in a light bulb. Then on Tuesday, he called back to report a comedian knocking at his front door to ask him to guess who’s knocking.

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Kim & Kanye bought a private jet today. Anything I’ve learned from their Twitter, interviews, &reality shows: Is they’re very private people.

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The iPhone 6 Plus has released an app where you imitate the Amish. It’s called a “Blackberry”.

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In Genesis it’s written that Moses brought down from God the 10 Commandments written on 2 tablets…Presumably both iPads.

== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==
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The state of North & South Dakota is 124 years old today. We all know that the Dakota states were named after one of our greatest Americans — of course, Dakota Fanning.

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A couple in Holland pleaded guilty for each other’s crimes in court today. Ideal marriage, where they finish each other’s’ prison sentences.

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To pay for his divorce, Bruce Jenner is charging $20 for a picture with him. And, for another $20, you can get a picture without Bruce.

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There’s a new X-File movie coming out about perverse aliens called, “Pedio-Files: The Undeleted Hard Drives Are Out There”.

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Cinderella is being re-released. Disney reminds children of a time where clear heals didn’t imply “stripper” because they often get prettier after midnight.

== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==
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Some people are saying Bill O’Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. Come to find out, someone backed his story up, “I was there with him” said Brian Williams.

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Today, Angelina Jolie met with the Dali Lama in Tibet. Long story short: She adopted him.

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Alex Trebek has broken a world record for game-show hosts, after hosting 6,829 shows in his career. When asked how he’s made it through so many shows, Trebek said, “What Are Alimony Payments For $200,000 monthly?”

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Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg’s ex said she remembered him as being socially awkward. He said he remembers her being one of the ugly girls he had to settle for-$30 billion ago.

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Yesterday, Amanda Bynes got busted for driving her escalade down the wrong way on Sunset Blvd, and then arguing about it with the cops. She was charged with two counts of “being Amanda Bynes.”

== SPORTS SPURTS ==
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Most girlfriends hate that their boyfriends watch March Madness. At least the athletes are scoring. Some teams get more 3’s than I do when I round up my dates by 4.

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ODU Monarchs are still in competing in March Madness. Their first game is next week.

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VCU Rams are notoriously awful in March Madness. Even referees from Globe Trotter games call them for fouls.

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Perdue Institutional Academy is competing in March Madness. Talk about a “Fowl Shot”.

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Jewish University of Long Island is playing in March Madness. It’s stereotypical that they only go for the “Free Throws”. Redact that, Pope Francis.

Headlines and Punchlines was last modified: December 17th, 2016 by Brandon Craig Jones Mr.J

One Response to "Headlines and Punchlines"

  1. Michael W Staib  Monday, September 5, 2016 at 17:58

    Humorous! Thanks for eliciting laughter from me with your apparent wry wit! Michael

    Reply

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