Angie's DIARY | Online Writing Magazine

Tonight, just like almost every night

I sit in the crowded club – alone.

I’ll not have company until it’s time to leave.

I have no need for small talk with some stranger,

That’s not what I’m looking for.

I’m forever looking for my other half,

The one I can’t live without.

And when I finally find that special someone,

I’ll not be wasting my time just sitting around.

Tonight, I feel different.

I feel like something important is upon me.

Deep down inside of me I know that tonight is the night,

My night.

After years of endless searching

I’m finally going to get my happily ever after.

For too long I’ve wasted my time on false hope.

I’ve gazed into dozens of pairs of eyes,

Each time convincing myself that this is it,

This is the one.

And then every morning I’ve awoken to coldness,

To disappointment, to another lost opportunity for happily ever after.

No matter how I try I just can not bring myself to love.

I have a heart that yearns to love and be loved

But none that I have tried to give it to have ever been “the one”.

I’ve been in the noisy, crowded club for so many nights that I’m considered a regular.

I’m always seen looking for something, someone, but never finding what I want.

No matter my evening’s choice, I am never satisfied

And I always return and begin searching again.

I scan the club for women,

But sometimes subconsciously my eyes fix on an attractive male.

I quickly avert my gaze, but I’ve been noticed.

I’ve heard the whispers, the rumours,

They say I’m denying my own sexual orientation

They say I’m gay,

But surely I know myself better than them, don’t I?

The right woman is out there – somewhere,

I just haven’t found her yet.

Tonight, from across the club

I feel a pair of eyes intensely gazing upon me,

I gaze back and our eyes lock, for what seems like an eternity.

We both rise at the same time

And begin to walk towards each other,

But when we finally come to face to face

I finally realize that something is not right,

You can’t possibly be “the one”

You are not the special woman I have been searching for,

Your are not a woman at all.

You are beautiful, perfect in every way,

But still, a man.

I don’t know what I was thinking.

I blame the dim lighting of the club for my mistake.

I look into your beautiful, warm and tender eyes

And murmur that I have made a mistake,

You can’t possibly be what I am looking for

I thought you were someone else, I thought you were something entirely different.

Your divert your eyes, but not before I catch a glimpse

Of the confusion, disappointment and hurt reflected in them.

I almost cry from the feelings that come over me.

You turn and walk away,

I walk away too.

I begin to scan the room once more

Looking for that special someone I just know is out there.

In my mind I keep repeating the same mantra:

“I’m not gay, I’m not gay”.

But perhaps I’m only fooling myself.

Though I have denied it

For years I have felt different,

And for years I have pushed these feelings aside

I have bedded many a woman, only to forget her name by morning

I have felt no true pleasure, no warmth, no love

But I have continued out of fear,

Fear of being different,

Fear of being treated differently.

But tonight all is about to change

You will change it.

Something inside me suddenly feels different

Something amazing is happening to me,

A haze has been lifted from before my eyes,

A weight has been lifted from my heart.

I have finally found true love,

True love at first sight – though I foolishly did not realize it,

And as love at first sight is rare

For me it is rarer still,

As the object of my affection is not the woman I had expected to meet,

But a man.

I have finally opened the door of my closet

And I am ready to walk into the light

With you by my side.

You must be truly special

As for you I can finally be my true self

I can come to terms with what I am

Without fear, without further hesitation.

I find myself once again scanning the crowded room,

But this time I know what I am looking for,

I am looking for you.

Suddenly fear grips me,

You’re gorgeous – surely you could have anyone you desire

What if you’ve found someone else?

Surely the gods wouldn’t be that cruel.

I scan the room again, as thoroughly as possible,

Though by now I have grown quite frantic,

Relieved, I finally spot you.

My heart sinks as I find you with another man.

I could just turn and walk away,

But I’ve already waited far too long for my happily ever after

Just to see it slip through my fingers without even a fight.

I summon up all of my courage and begin to walk towards you

And as you finally see me you stop talking mid-sentence.

I can clearly see in your eyes that despite my rejection

Your attraction to me is still there,

Your heart is in your eyes

And I can feel your love reaching out to me.

I know then without a shadow of a doubt

That the other guy doesn’t stand a chance,

It’s me you want,

Even after having seen me deny my own nature.

The other guy takes the hint,

Probably from the sparks that fly between us

And the heat he can see in our eyes.

Yet he doesn’t leave straight away

As perhaps he still thinks he has a chance with you,

But you can no longer even see him

And I give him a look that translates as “beat it”.

He gets up and leaves.

I lean in to give you a kiss,

Just a tender brushing of lips

And I whisper sweetly to you

“I have been waiting for you my whole life,

I love you”.

You kiss me back and tell me you love me too.

I help you up from your seat, wanting to touch you

To make sure I’m not dreaming, to know that you are real,

To feel your warmth.

Hands clasped we walk out into the night

Into our happily ever after.

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