For Love Or Lust?
Have you ever wondered if you’ve done ‘it’ for love or lust?
Have you ever beaten yourself up after making ‘that’ decision? Guilt, shame, regret, and disappointment are commonly felt emotions for modern women and I have to ask why? I know as a single gal and an International Coach, I know that a lot of my single girl clients and even girlfriends have expressed their confusion after being with a lover and often berate themselves after a fantastic night of tantalizing delights.
In this article I am going to dispel some of the misconceptions around choosing to have sex and quite possibly put you single girls at ease, being a woman is meant to be easy…
There is nothing more liberating then making the decision to lose yourself in a heated sexual experience. If you’re a single girl, you may have decided at one time or another to go home with a man you just met – commonly referred to as a one night stand but is it really?
So the night goes, you meet a cute man you are attracted to, you have a connection and many things in common which are important to you. There is the undeniable chemistry that comes with this sort of connection… And then there’s the offer to spend the night together… What’s a girl to do?
On one hand, you like him and our societal expectation and standards dictate you should not go home with him (or her) on the first date (or night) because you’ll ruin your chances of being taken seriously or you’ll be stereotyped or at the very worst end of the scale, branded a slut.
But, on the other hand, ‘doing the deed‘ is a chance to get to know him further, a greater chance to connect with him and what’s even more, could be an opportunity to have that ‘itch’ scratched and if the decision is made consciously and powerfully, it could be an expression of you being in total control of your wants and needs. Nothing is sexier than a powerful, confident and decisive woman.
Let’s not forget for one minute, that women have libido’s too and quite often greater drives than a lot of men and sometimes, we like to act on those peaks a sense of ferociousness. Are you selling yourself short if you decide not to or are you protecting your chances to see him again and possibly, have him in your life?
Most women have heard of the book, ‘He’s just not into you’. It goes to say that a man is supposed to chase, put in the effort, take up the challenge to gain her affections and make her feel like a princess and that she is the only woman in the world for him and if he does not do any of that well, then ‘he’s just not that in to you’ and to some extent, I agree. Who wants a guy that does not make you feel desirable, wanted and needed? And every woman loves a guy who pursues her, makes her feel desirable and wanted. So when is the right time to give into some hardcore lust? And when is it time to open yourself to love your new friend?
From my research, there is a great divide for women these days and it is surrounded by loads of confusion as to what the rules are. And men share our confusion. Neither knows if they should chase or be chased. Some men expect a ‘liberated’ woman to make the calls and chase them and when they do, they are ‘too needy’ by other standards. Others will wait for the guy to do the pursuing and spend a lot of time just waiting around for the guys to make the moves. So what do women really want? Do we want car doors open for us? Do we really want a man to do the chasing and pursuing? Do men want a woman who is assertive and a go getter and does the initial calling? Or a submissive and patient (while she waits for the call) kind of gal?
So what happens when you spy a gorgeous man in a club, you have a ‘mutual admiration society’ going on with connection and eye contact, lots of smiles and then it’s time for you to leave… You walk passed him and he does nothing. When you turn around to see if he is coming after you, all he does is smile his big pearly white smile again… And nothing! An opportunity missed or an opportunity to assert yourself? Should you go back and talk to him or could you assume that if he thought you were that great he’d have come after you and not let you out of his sight?
During my interviews and surveying women (including myself), I discovered that there are two kinds of men. The ones you have lust for and just want to play with and the ones you might want to date (upon further investigation) and fall in love with. So how does this play out for you? For love or lust? Do you make the decision to be with or without based on whether you may or may not see him again. It could be safe to say, that most modern women have been with a man just for the sake of having him, having some fun or satiating your own desires… So is he the guy you go back and talk to after mutual admiration? Or is he the man you walk away from because he is a real prospect and someone you want to have chase and pursue you – because he’s really into you?
As women, we need to know a guy will stand up for us, provide security and protection for us… Remember, we are animals and have primal needs that still need to be fulfilled and when it comes to ‘potential partners’, a woman needs to know her guy will stand up to the challenge – for the sake of our very survival. It’s fair to say, women have different needs when looking for a partner. Are you certain of what it is you really want? It could be time to start asking you better quality questions…
• What is it you really want from a man?
• What needs do you have that you want a man to fulfil?
• If love is what you really want, what strategy are you currently using?
• If you are looking to have some of your lustful desires fulfilled, are you going about getting ‘it’ in such a way that empowers you, or are you left feeling deflated, guilty and defeated?
• What kind of sexual conditioning have you been subjected to in your life and how is that playing out now as a pattern that no longer serves you?
• What are you willing to do about that to get a different and more empowering result?
• Do you have expectations of others that are not fulfilled and how are you meeting your own needs?
• What values do you have around love, sex, lust and relationships?
When you start to ask yourself better quality questions and have clarity around what it really is you want, you can start to take control of your life and feel good about whatever you decide, in any case. It is true you can have your needs for love and lust met in one solid relationship, so what can you do now, that will satiate your heart’s deepest desires and achieve that very thing?
As a single girl open to finding true love, for me, the quality of my decisions leaves me without guilt and regret and always empowered and better for it, no matter what it is. I make conscious decisions every day that enrich my life and take me closer to the outcomes I seek to fulfil. What would it take for you to just do it? Or not do it? Whether lust of love wins out in the end, at least you can rest assured you made a powerful decision that gave you want you wanted at the time…
And then, what if he doesn’t call? Well, maybe you made the decision to sleep with him based on the fact that, he would… Remember the golden rule ladies. When you have sex with someone you are energetically sharing yourself, a far more intimate part of yourself than just your body, you are sharing your energy, literally. Your sexual energy lingers (like ethereal cords from you to them) for up to three weeks, attaching you to them through your emotions – Yes this means emotional connection. So if you choose to go there, choose carefully and for the right reasons. The right reasons will have you be able to cut and sever the energy more readily if need be. The difference is feeling empowered or dis-empowered…
Whether it is for lust or love, you deserve to be able to rise above social conditioning and do what you choose, because you’re worth it and because you are an amazingly desirable woman. Thousands of years ago, women were revered for their sexual prowess, and being sexual with a woman was considered a great honour. Our wisdom and insight was highly valued and with the rise of men in power over centuries, women’s right to experience true sexual liberation (and in some cases even pleasure) has been controlled and diminished.
Choose to reclaim your goddess sexuality back. Decide to clear yourself of any negative conditioning and understand what it is you want instead… Now is the time to fight for true liberation and own who you are – Real and Raw! It all starts with just one person and that person is you. For love or Lust? Does it really matter to anyone but you? It’s ultimately up to you to decide and for all women to own!
If making open-minded decisions about your sexuality is challenging for you and you want to talk to someone who can really assist you to the next level, then please contact me. I specialise in professional change work that encompasses the intimate and private issues surrounding your sexual past and your potential future.