Another Sickening Feeling (A Letter to God)
Oh God, this feeling of being forsaken is again present in my mind. Though I see your presence and love every day, I remain in ignorance of your Power and Grace. I’ve been saved. My concepts are as foggy as my future; and still, I lean on worldly comforts. Why am I so depressed?
Do I love her? I don’t know. What is love exactly? I am so new to this. I miss her so badly that my soul burns. I want her here with me. I wish I can see her; look into her eyes, see her smile, see her smile, experience her warmth. There are many things about her that make me cry inside; many things that I feel that I may be allowing to hinder my growth. I see her sadness, her pain. But, when she’s in my arms, why is it that the world and its people cease to exist? Why is it that peace and warmth overcome my heart and soul and all worry disappears?
I can see my old patterns of extreme emotional attachment creeping in and I’m scared. Like a frightened little child, I carry onward as blindly as always; void of hope, empty of faith. People won’t accept it, won’t accept us. Is it meant to be? Why is it that I project into the future, into nonexistence with the same delusions as before? “A Writing Never Read” creeps into my mind. I ask myself the same doubtful, pointless questions. I know that I have love in my heart for her as I love all close to me, I feel it. But do I love her as she feels she loves me? Do I know or have the capacity to love in that fashion? What is that kind of love? “Oh, I’m so sick of doubt.”
Please comfort me God, Spirit of the Universe, whoever you are. Comfort and guide me. Grant me that serenity that I ask for on a daily basis. Relieve me from the useless bonds of my own mind, my own human existence. My desire for a love I know nothing of overpowers me and threatens to trample me underneath its powerful march.
My stream is flowing like roaring rapids. Isolation is near. To be alone is what I crave, yet it is what I fear. “Ye, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me.” I feel as if I’m two-faced, hiding behind a thick veil, a twisted mask; a wicked disguise. I feel two-faced, like a penny; dull and forgotten sitting worthlessly in the pocket of a Divine Plan that I try too hard to understand.