Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
I am a woman in love, Father. My heart is enslaved to a deep, unlimited passion. Do you know how poets and writers use to describe love? Well, I am not as fortunate. I cannot put what I feel into words…
There is not a moment in the day I don’t think of him. My love is so strong I sometimes wonder how a small creature like me can bear such a huge and so powerful feeling – it is like a giant butterfly dwelling into a nutshell.
He is part of me, Father. More than once I have been wondering whether we are but a single soul in two different bodies… You are right – only God knows those things. Talking thus is not fitting, especially for me. After all, I am human and a sinner. Love is not to blame, though, Father. Love is a pure, beautiful feeling; love is a kiss of the angels to the stars said a poet. And did our Lord Jesus Christ not give his life for love? Oh, yes, Father, you are right again. I cannot pronounce His Holy Name to justify my sins.
Please forgive me – I did not mean to be arrogant. All I wanted to say is that love is not to blame for my bad actions. It’s jealousy that caused me to do what I did. It bursts up in my heart like a brisk, violent storm and there is nothing I can do to fight it. Envy is like a demon from Hell tormenting my mind. Now, when jealousy is caused by love, you sometimes remember that, however rebellious, demons were angels too….
Oh, Father, please forgive me! You are so right in reprimanding me; I am not supposed to mention demons in this holy place. No – I am not trying to give myself an absolution either – you are meant to do this…Yes, yes, GOD alone is doing this. Well, so my jealousy brought me to go and visit a witch. She taught me how to provoke nightmares in people and I became skillful at this; it always worked fine. You do guess why I needed this kind of magic, don’t you? I bewitched the women involved with him.
He is so handsome, Father – well, I mean…Women like him; they are always around him like moths around fire. I always pretend to like them; I am all smiles and sweetness with them. But deep inside me, I HATE them. Were it not for my principles I would kill them without a moment of hesitation. Oh, please do not get upset; I did nothing of the sort. I just incited nightmares in them- in all of them.
So this lovely blond girl he was seeing one year back had dreams about terrifying ghosts every night until he was tired to hear her complaining and left her. Another one dreamed of an eerie room inside a mirror; every time she saw her reflection in this room, it appeared in a different fearsome and ghastly shape. One of them dreamed every night of a mad joker who always thought of performing all sorts of dark doings – even murder. Waking up she was convinced that she was the joker. One had powerful erotic dreams in which she had sexual intercourses with incubi. She was so upset she broke up with him. After some time, I was so happy to see her cry and beg him to take her back! Of course he refused. One of his girlfriends saw herself in her dreams as a whore. She was mad with guilt and sorrow. Oh, I did a good job with those nightmares! I managed to get rid of all those silly geese – forgive me, Father. Yes, I will remain polite.
To be honest, I am not sure whether they left him because of the nightmares or because of his contempt toward them. Probably both. I don’t feel guilty about my feelings; I don’t even condemn my jealousy. I am just sorry about the dreams I caused in those girls. Mind you – those nightmares…
Those nightmares are NOTHING compared to what I am going through. For them, all was over when they woke up. For me, waking up from my dreams where I can kiss him, hold him in my arms, make love to him – waking up is a nightmare. Those things are forbidden to us. If we could live our love and enjoy it, why would I be wasting time on dream-black magic? And he would not even bother to look at one of those women. They are nothing to him. But he is a man, he needs… you know, physical contact. He thinks of me when he makes love to them, I know this.
We are everything to each other; we love each other deeply and passionately. And – I swear this, Father, – I don’t care about power, but he is an empire of which I want to be the sole sovereign; I am his slave and he is my only master. If God in his infinite kindness and wisdom has bestowed such a unique passion in us, he certainly had good reasons for doing this — No, Father – I did not want to be blasphemous! I merely pointed out that we love each other and this will never change. I am aware that if people knew they would condemn us as if we were demons or monsters. Believe me. They would not care for our suffering; their only concern would be that such feelings are forbidden. We are brother and sister. Yes. The love of my life is my brother…
Father! Father – are you still there?