Strategy After Killing Someone – Satire
Strategy After Killing Someone
If you plan on killing someone, you need a decent strategy in order not to get caught.
I started to compile a guide for myself, following my first murder – a step-by-step procedure, if you like. For your convenience, I hereby share my practical tips for the disposal of a human corpse.
First of all, the obvious; getting rid of the body. Of course, there’s an infinite variety of murder types, but they all have one thing in common: they leave a body. So how do we get rid of it?
Hiding the Body
This is the most common way of concealing a murder. In order to accomplish this, find a good location and make sure you strip the body from all traces of evidence that could tie you to the homicide.
This process is among the easiest in your arsenal. A corpse can be turned into ashes by setting it on fire. All you have to do is create a bonfire and throw in the body. If possible, use an outdoor location.
But wait, we’re not done yet. The charred bones and teeth will remain, so as soon as the pyre has cooled down enough, use a sledgehammer to crush and remove all identifiable characteristics from these remains.
Human and other organic remains can be made into a first-rate fertilizer. Your garden plants will relish this special treat!
Use a sturdy wood chipper; the type that can accommodate branches of 4-5 inches in diameter, and throw chunks of the corpse into the funnel of the chipper.
This process is less messy if you first freeze the body before cutting it into chunks with a hacksaw. The remaining flakes and powder should be mixed with an industrial-type compost to remove the possible smell of blood or rotting meat. Disperse the compost over a wide area and cover it with a few inches of dirt.
An increasingly popular solution to the disposal issue is the consumption of the cadaver. It is somewhat complicated, but practice makes perfect. Simply follow these instructions:
Remove the bones and veins from the corpse and dispose of them in an orderly fashion. Slice up the remaining meat into bite-sized chunks, and use a large casserole to make a tasty and nutritious stock. Add parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme, and boil slowly for four hours. Pepper and salt to taste. An average-sized person should be enough for about twenty servings. Enjoy!
Obviously, I did not list every technique of corpse disposal in these practical tips, as this is your murder, and you should feel free to use your own creativity and break away from the beaten path.
Another important aspect of murder is finding ways to get away with it. In other words; how to stay out of jail. There is no single method that will fit all possible situations, so consider the following to see if one of them fits your situation.
Leave No Evidence
Unfortunately, this step is often ignored by killers. It’s important to understand that many victims have relatives or friends that actually care about the deceased. So remember these simple tips when establishing an evidence-free crime scene.
Shave your entire body before the killing. Wear gloves at all times. Fingerprints are easily detected, and if you leave yours behind you’re definitely in trouble.
I understand this is a commonly felt urge, but don’t spit, pee, or defecate on the corpse, as this is DNA evidence that is bound to incriminate you. For the same reason, you should have no intercourse with the body in question, unless you will pick incineration as your method of choice to get rid of the corpse.
If You Still Get Caught
It is feasible that you were simply too drunk or stoned to appropriately dispose of the body and the evidence. But fear not, and remember that juries are known to acquit obvious murderers for a variety of reasons.
You can circumvent legal proceedings against your person, just make sure you are either a celebrity, very wealthy (it’s a known fact that rich people don’t go to jail), black (blame it all on racism and say the police beat you), a woman (they don’t have the balls to commit murder, or alternatively, they could sleep with the judge), or a Butler, as nobody ever suspects him.