Comedy Bits I’m Currently Polishing
* I’m a big fan of 90’s music. Not like grunge from the 90’s. But songs by the band 98 degrees.
* Good morning commoners!
* Don’t forget to tip your bar staff cuz the more you drink the funnier I get. Oh, I’m just being…serious.
* I’m a professional writer, comedian, Kevin Smith body double. I don’t distract fans from him, my body is just literally double the size of his.
* Here’s how you know when you’re getting fat:
1-All Jeans suddenly seem like SKINNY JEANS.
2-Your shirt size has more X’s than Taylor Swift.
3-Your weight starts with the Word MORBIDLY.
4-The only time you’ve lost 100 pounds was in a London casino.
5-If the camera really adds ten pounds then the last photo of yourself looks you just ate 15 cameras.
* This morning they all did come outa the closet.
* This shirt comes in 3 sizes: Small, Medium, & Reruns of Frasier!
* My shirt is wrinkle-free. The shirt was $26. But? The shirt was…Free!
* My pants are pleated. This morning in court they pleaded…guilty.
* My shoes are made of velcro and marijuana. Never smoke a non-Velcro shoe. It’s probably laced!
* I just got engaged. Which is like putting your girlfriend on layaway.
* I wrote a book about filing bankruptcy. It ends at chapter 11!
* I wrote a book about meth. It’s the only book I can speed read.
* I rented a car from enterprise. What a cesspool. I called customer service and said yeah, “I got a leak in the oil tank.” The guy says “Go ahead take a dump in the glove compartment for all I care.”
* I think I peaked as an infant. It’s just been downhill like a boxcar derby ever since I was a toddler.
* I was born in Virginia Beach. It’s a resort town. Usually your…LAST RESORT.
* Our official city motto is: “Welcome to Virginia Beach… Sorry all the hotels in Orlando were booked.”
* Virginia Beach not to be confused with Vagina Beach. Which is like a normal beach except it’s the only Beach that you don’t want to have CRABS.
* A lot of locals SURF where I’m from. I can’t even CHANNEL SURF. When I turn on the TV, I stay on that same station for hours before I flip.
* Plus the sun. I have sensitive skin. It’s so sensitive it cried during the final scene of the Notebook.
* I have to use SPF 6000 INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH UV PROTECTION. You squeeze the bottle & it squirts out a solar eclipse.
* My conception was planned. Of course, the plan was for the Morning After Pill to work.
* I was born prematurely. So…You could say it began when my mom realized she was LATE & then it ended 9 months later when they realized I was EARLY.
* You can’t tell I was born prematurely except I’ve always arrived at every one of my appointments slightly before the scheduled time.