1000 Miles Of Hope
I sat by the window, in an old comfy rocking chair. Tears blurred my vision and the more that flowed; the harder it became to wipe them away. Eventually, I just gave up on that task and let my tears flow freely.
It’s been two years since you’ve been gone; two empty and cold years. Every moment of them spent in regret for our parting words. Everyone told me to forget about you. They all said that you were a loser, not worth crying over.
Only I knew the truth. Only I knew how special you really were and that it was me that drove you away.
I regretted the things I said to you the moment the words left my mouth, but I was determined to live by “cruel to be kind”. I was so sure that my actions were correct, that I let you walk out of my life, slamming the door on your way out.
I stayed strong to my beliefs for about a day. After that, I just could not bear our separation for an instant longer. So I searched for you, but you were already long gone. I wrote letters to where I thought you’d be, but they all returned to me unopened – recipient unknown. I searched for you on the Internet, but you had no presence there.
Looking back, I realize what a fool I was. Did I honestly think I could treat you so cruelly and you would be grateful and one day return to me? Logic dictates that you will never return to me, but I hold on to hope that one day you will. No-one will ever compare to you and you take up all of my heart. Life without you is meaningless, so I just go through each day almost like a robot would.
When you first noticed me, I was thrilled by your attention. You were perfection itself and your eyes spoke of a thousand promises that you would make to me and keep. I let love and you sweep me off my feet and I knew life just could not get any better. But when the harshness of reality entered our cocoon of bliss, hard decisions had to be made. You had been on your way to greatness, and I was standing in your way. To others you seemed like a worthless drifter, but to me you confided all of your dreams and hopes. I never for one moment doubted that you would one day accomplish all that you had set out to do. You just wouldn’t be able to do any of it with me at your side. At this stage of your life, I would be like a millstone around your neck instead of an equal partner. I was so young, I felt like I wasn’t even a complete person yet.
I tried to tell you that you would be better off without me, but you wouldn’t listen. You were wrong to throw away a promising future, just to be with me. So I plucked up all of my courage and uttered the biggest lie of my life. I told you that I would be better off without you. You lashed out at me for breaking up with you, but not once did you not believe me. You were the light of my life, yet you believed me when I told you I no longer wanted to be with you. You did not plead; you did not try to get me to change my mind. You just let all of your anger and bitterness flow like a raging river between us and then you left. Without even a backward glance, you just walked out of my life.
After the first few failed attempts to find you, I just stopped looking. There was just no point to it. If you still loved me despite what I had said, you would have contacted me. You would have tried to patch things up. You may have even realized that I was trying to act on your best behalf. But I guess your pride just would not allow for that.
About a year and a half after you left, by chance I saw a report on CNN on Doctors without Borders and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I recognized a familiar face. You had made it. You had followed your dreams and succeeded. Despite my grief over losing you, my heart swelled with pride for your accomplishments. In the brief interview, you spoke of how fulfilling your job was to you and how you wanted to thank a special person for helping you realize your greatest desire. Well, I guess that answered the question of if you still thought of me. Apparently, you had already replaced me with someone else, someone truly special. Yes, you could have been talking about a man or even a child, but by your demeanor, I and the rest of the viewers knew you must have been talking about a woman. In truth, I could hardly blame you. I gave you no reason to stay and I always secretly believed that I had loved you far more than you could have ever loved me. Finally, I knew the truth.
After the report, I just cried and cried for days, not even leaving my bed. How could I function when I had had my heart ripped out of my chest and ripped to pieces in front of my own eyes? Eventually, I picked up the broken pieces of my shattered soul and put my life back on track. Well, that is to say, that I continued with my robot routine. It was barely a step up from lying in bed all day and balling my eyes out.
I knew it would be wrong to even try to contact you, but I found that I just couldn’t help myself. I decided I would just write a brief note congratulating you on achieving your goals and wishing you all the happiness you deserved. Well, I had every intention of doing just that, but along the way I just broke down and poured out my heart to you. I told you about my great lie and about the sleepless nights I spent without you. I told you how you filled every corner of my mind and that I could barely function without you. I told you of the coldness in my heart and my need to feel your arms around me once more. I knew that what I had done was probably wrong, but what’s done is done. I wasn’t sure if my letter would reach you, and I was not even sure if I wished that it did or didn’t.
Six months have passed since I posted my letter to you and here I sit by the window, hoping for a miracle. I can’t say for sure if I am an optimist of a pessimist, but my need for you is so great, that I hang on to hope with both hands. Suddenly I hear a loud banging on my front door. Startled, I stumble to my feet and walk over the front door. I peak through the peephole and I can’t believe my eyes. My one and only love is standing there with an impatient look on his face. I take a deep breath and open the door. I barely get a word out when I am engulfed in a familiar embrace and picked up and swung around the room. I am so giddy I can’t keep the laughter from bubbling over.
You finally put me down and keeping your hands on my shoulders look deep into my eyes and simply say “I love you”. My heart has never felt fuller than it does at this moment. There are a thousand things I want to say to you, but I just don’t know where to begin. You don’t seem to have the same problem though. You tell me that you have never stopped loving me. You tell me that you had believed it when I told you I would be better off without you because secretly you never believed that I had ever loved you as much as you loved me. How silly we had both been. Our foolishness cost us two years of our lives.
I ask about the special someone that had helped you achieve your goals. Yes, you love me and have not stopped loving me, but have you also loved someone else in the meantime? I know I was being unfair expecting you to be faithful to me when I had let you go, but if this woman had been an inspiration to you, then certainly she would play an important role in your life. Where did that leave us?
You give me your sweetest smile and tell me that I was the special woman. Your love for me, that never died, guided you through life. No matter what you believed my feelings to be, you had always loved me with everything in you and your every achievement was because of me. You had worked as hard as possible with the hopes of becoming worthy of me, so that you could one day return and claim me as your own. You would not take no for an answer and you would spend the rest of your life making me happy. You had made plans for your return, but my letter had blown your plans out of the sky. The moment you read it you practically dropped everything you were doing to race back to me.
For the first time in two years, my future now seems bright. You have returned to me, with your heart full of love. I will put my hand in yours and let you lead me to whatever the future has in store for us. All that is certain is that from this moment onwards our hearts will never be parted again.