* I’m a big fan of 90’s music. Not like grunge from the 90’s. But songs by the band 98 degrees.
* Good morning commoners!
* Don’t forget to tip your bar staff cuz the more you drink the funnier I get. Oh, I’m just being…serious.
* I’m a professional writer, comedian, Kevin Smith body double. I don’t distract fans from him, my body is just literally double the size of his.
* Tonight, I have 2 Jobs. My first job is to make you laugh. Then my second job is to put my clothes back on.
* I know I look like like the kid from Star Trek next generation all grown up if he got fat. I’m Will Wheaton after you add water. Captain set phasers to HYDRATE!
* But what I’ve gained in weight I’ve lost in boyish good looks. I look like i should be taking up two seats in the waiting room of the lobby at Operation Smile.
* I’m a porcelain mask away from plucking ominous minor key notes on a harpsichord in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s New Broadway musical: “Fat Man of the Opera.”
* Here’s how you know when you’re getting fat:
1-All Jeans suddenly seem like SKINNY JEANS.
2-Your shirt size has more X’s than Taylor Swift.
3-Your weight starts with the Word MORBIDLY.
4-The only time you’ve lost 100 pounds was in a London casino.
5-If the camera really adds ten pounds then the last photo of yourself looks you just ate 15 cameras.
* Before I got on stage someone said my clothes looked gay…Thanks, Mom!
* This morning they all did come outa the closet.
* This shirt comes in 3 sizes: Small, Medium, & Reruns of Frasier!
* My shirt is wrinkle-free. The shirt was $26. But? The shirt was…Free!
* My pants are pleated. This morning in court they pleaded…guilty.
* My shoes are made of velcro and marijuana. Never smoke a non-Velcro shoe. It’s probably laced!
* I just got engaged. Which is like putting your girlfriend on layaway.
* We met in college where I majored in English. I majored in English cuz I always wanted to be…homeless.
* Have a cardboard sign: “Will correct grammar for food.”
* Wrote a book titled Meet Mr.J. Or as anyone who’s bought it calls it: “Screw me outa $12”.
* I’m a terrible author.
– I am to writing what Stevie Wonder is to parallel parking.
– I am to writing what Michael j Fox is to Jenga.
– I am to writing what I am at a non-offensive analogy.
* Bad news, good news:
– Bad news? My latest Amazon book review said I should’ve written it in parenthesis so it couldn’t be read out loud.
– Good news? My girlfriend finally reviewed my book!
* I wrote a book about filing bankruptcy. It ends at chapter 11!
* I wrote a book about author Fonzerelli. The book jacket is made of faded leather.
* I wrote a book about meth. It’s the only book I can speed read.
* It’s easy to speed read audio books. Speed reading for books on tape just means pressing fast forward.
* By a quick round of applause how many people in the audience love to procrastinate like me? I’m sure more will clap later.
* I rented a car from enterprise. What a cesspool. I called customer service and said yeah, “I got a leak in the oil tank.” The guy says “Go ahead take a dump in the glove compartment for all I care.”
* I think I peaked as an infant. It’s just been downhill like a boxcar derby ever since I was a toddler.
* I was born in Virginia Beach. It’s a resort town. Usually your…LAST RESORT.
* Our official city motto is: “Welcome to Virginia Beach… Sorry all the hotels in Orlando were booked.”
* Virginia Beach not to be confused with Vagina Beach. Which is like a normal beach except it’s the only Beach that you don’t want to have CRABS.
* A lot of locals SURF where I’m from. I can’t even CHANNEL SURF. When I turn on the TV, I stay on that same station for hours before I flip.
* I don’t trust salt water. Water hydrates ya. Salt dehydrates ya. It’s like the ocean is a giant Liquid-Mongoose and Sodium-Cobra.
* Plus the sun. I have sensitive skin. It’s so sensitive it cried during the final scene of the Notebook.
* I have to use SPF 6000 INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH UV PROTECTION. You squeeze the bottle & it squirts out a solar eclipse.
* I grew up as an only child. My parents got it right the first time.
* I was not a mistake or an accident but more like a miracle delivered in a basket held by the beak of a stork, smoking a blue striped cigar.
* My conception was planned. Of course, the plan was for the Morning After Pill to work.
* I was born prematurely. So…You could say it began when my mom realized she was LATE & then it ended 9 months later when they realized I was EARLY.
* You can’t tell I was born prematurely except I’ve always arrived at every one of my appointments slightly before the scheduled time.
* Women view me the way millennials view Snap Chat: After ten seconds? They’ve had enough and never wanna see me ever again!