The Marriage Club
It seems like such an easy task to accomplish: Find a partner, fall in love, realize that he/she is the one person in the whole world you want to spend the rest of your life with, in sickness and in health, plant indelible roots such as raising children with your spouse and live happily ever after! This is one tree to plant that you can’t ever chop down! People are even willing to take an oath in a religious place of worship, i.e. temple, mosque, church etc… while clergymen help seal the deal to your lifelong commitment!
Browsing through social media, it makes me validate the simplicity of it all… Everyone is showing off their engagement ring, wedding, then what comes next? What is that old children’s song? “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage!” I feel like everyone is going through the motions of that song! You get married, NO BIG DEAL! Haha… It is no big deal to find that single, one & only person in this whole universe to fall in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with…to be committed to and always feel the same way for forever. No BIG DEAL!
It is also NO BIG DEAL that what comes next are having children together that you both created together and serve such a vital role in your children(s) life & can’t take back and will remain a permanent fixture in your life (and your kid’s lives) no matter what…Even if you fall out of love, or realize you made a big mistake in raising a family with your partner or getting involved in general! It seems like such an easy feat to accomplish! Almost like picking out the perfect car to your liking and price bracket! Except this is one purchase, you can’t always freely return and wash your hands clean off!
All these couples my age are flashing their gleaming rock on their shiny manicured finger while kissing the man who proposed to them; they are taking pictures of trying on the wedding dress of their dreams while shopping through all of the famous bridal boutiques with their mothers…..Then a year later you see the most magical wedding that looks straight out of Cinderella! They coast on their honeymoon drinking it all in. Their strawberry daiquiri, the sun, the beach while they display via pictures marveling over how majestic their new life is, the commitment that they made for each other is such a fairy tale, and it is all it’s cracked up to be!
It doesn’t take any work to maintain a successful marriage like every other relationship does… and don’t forget keeping up appearances virtually to brag that they had a fab time on their honeymoon and their living the proverbial storybook ending!!!! Flash to the next scene, almost like watching a bulb blossom to a flower: She’s pregnant! She’s rubbing her baby bump, plastering how far along she is through one of those pregnancy apps, boasting about their baby shower, bragging about what a wonderful man she chose to be the father of her offspring… Then nine months later VAVOOM! Their adorable little bundle of joy is born! Almost like adopting a puppy…
It all seems so easy and perfect to settle into adult life and raise a family! Over time the family keeps growing and growing in size with the aesthetics of professional baby photos and how they can’t believe their children are growing up so fast! What does that sign say next to their son in the crib? He’s nine months already! Wow, time flies! I look at this and can’t help but feel floored and almost out of breath! Here I am at 33 years old and I could barely even take care of a plant I bought at Stop & Shop the size of my palm without it wilting within a few days, balance my checkbook, pay all my bills on time, save enough money for me to feel comfortable, let alone being 100% responsible for other mouths to feed! That’s only half of it!
How easy is it to find your “soul mate” if you believe that, or just that one person out there that stands out in a crowd that you’re smitten over? So smitten to make an ironclad commitment with? I don’t know if it’s just me, or the friends that I listen to, but I feel like everyone thinks it is so easy just to start dating and claim someone to be your boyfriend. I had had friends over the years that had so many boyfriends before they married their husband that I find it inconceivable. I find it inconceivable that you could find someone romantically so easily on a drop of a dime to want to spend all your time with, grow intimate with, devote yourself and be faithful to!
Not only that but to even just be attracted to someone at face value to have racked up so many boyfriends! I don’t mean this in a superficial sense that is solely based on a person’s physical appearance… I am talking about the whole package… Just the union of meeting someone and feeling a mental and physical connection… How easy is it to meet someone where you feel so compatible with? Compatible with on a deep level to be attracted to intrinsically? I almost never feel that way. My friends say I am too picky, but I don’t feel that is how I should be described.
I have high standards that supersede physical looks. I am not seeking a beautiful man but a man who has intrinsic qualities, values & morals that align with mine. Of course, I would be lying if I said physical appearances mean nothing to me. That is a bold faced lie and if you hear anyone that says that they are 100% lying too. It is part of human nature to have to feel a physical attraction to the other person first before you get to know them. You need to get the pilot light turned on first! After you get past that first step, they need to have a very attractive personality to back it up. Personality makes or breaks the entirety of the person. If a person is very good looking with a horrible character then their looks plummet, and you grow wilted to the other individual.
However, if the case is vice versa, the person is even better looking on a visual level. That is human nature at its best folks! If you call that picky, then so be it. But I don’t think that way. I feel like everyone should have standards, especially standards that are intrinsically mixed with meeting eye to eye on how you view the world. If you have seen some of the guys I have been smitten over you would know that I am not superficial to any degree, meaning on a physical level like one implies when saying that, they definitely did not look like Brad Pitt!
I read an article recently where the author wrote about the ideal age to get married. That is such malarkey! How could someone think that there is a general, set age for EVERYONE to get married at? How could someone think that every individual at a certain age is all ready at the same time to make a lifelong commitment to each other? How could someone think that everyone is at the same place in their lives and on the same chapter of their life to be ready for such a colossal decision?
Everyone matures at different ages, changes their mind… Everyone has a different story and different journey than others to tell! I remember as a child I would tell my mom that she had me so late in her life. She was 34 at the time. I thought that was so old to start having kids. Now that I have become an adult myself, I find that to be an ideal time. I made sure to set aside my 20’s to enjoy my youth and live it to the fullest. I didn’t want to be one those repressed women who settled down too young and forget to act their age. We have more time for that. Why not spend your 20’s letting your hair down and getting it out of your system? I am not talking about becoming promiscuous and acting like an imbecile. I am talking about experiencing what life has to offer and refining your taste buds until you are ready to bite the bullet?
I had a best friend that I shared such fine times with when I was in college. It lasted until our mid 20’s. We both agreed that we did not want to marry until we reached our 30’s. I never felt any pang of jealousy or felt like I was missing out when I saw people in their early 20’s marrying so young. Actually, I felt sorry for these people secretly because their precious youth was flashing before their eyes! There is still plenty of time to marry after your 20’s and you’re still young in your 30’s! Your younger years is the time to take advantage of being selfish and working on yourself and your goals before you take the plunge! Then after that, you’ll be ready for the next step with no regrets.
Also, my younger days gave me the luxury of picking and choosing what and who I looked for in a mate, among other things. To this day I find the idea of marrying and having kids daunting, to say the least! I am still not settled in my career, I want to make sure I become acclimated to what I am meant to do with my life (degrees) in addition to feeling financially secure. Not to mention the biggest part of all…
Finding your ideal match, life partner, spouse, soul mate, etc!!!! I find it laughable when people ask me if I am dating anyone, almost as if it is so easy to go on dates with different people with no struggle and such ease. It is actually much harder to seek than searching for your ideal job. How do you really go about “seeking” a life partner? At least by seeking an ideal job, you could read the fine print and see what qualifications they are looking for, the salary and if you get the job and you find you are unhappy…
You could just quit with no ball and chain to break! Someone once told me I am old fashioned for wanting to be married first before I have kids. Another person told me that I was doing things the right way because I wanted to make sure I am settled in a career first. This young woman had young children and a boyfriend while she was trying to push herself through college. I know many people who decide one day to own a dog until they realize they could no longer handle the responsibility of it so they give it away. I am not being facetious. I think of this in the same context because being a dog owner I feel is like having a child and people think of their dogs as their children.
It is a big responsibility, and a lot of people grow very attached to their pets and can’t bear having to part ways with them once they break up with their S.O. This is one responsibility that you can’t just decide to cease! But I feel like a lot of people view it similarly. There are even custody battles over pets! At first, I was taken off guard that someone would find that to be “old fashioned” of me to find it very important to have children in wedlock, but then it got me thinking that in this day & age it is now labeled old fashioned. She was right. So many people these days are having children with partners who they are not married to, some of them even marry them after they have kids together. That is their prerogative but for me, I value marriage first.
Screw the hoopla of a huge fantasy wedding like a princess, bachelorette party, and honeymoon. The honeymoon would be nice but not something I am in desperate need for. I like to think that I had my bachelorette party already. It was 12 years long actually. It started when I was 19 and lasted until I was around 30. As for the ceremony part, I am going for the K.I.S.S. Method…Keep It Simple Stupid. I like to pride myself on following “less is more.”
I think it is utterly ridiculous to spend money on a designer dress that cost more than a car, but hey, to each their own! I want something very simple and personal. Plus there are very few people that I know that I would like to share such a special moment of mine. I am very good at masquerading the monetary price of things and could find such splendor for less, you would never know. I really find that this whole idea of marriage is really like joining a club! It appears to be less taxing & strenuous than the hazing you hear about what goes on in fraternities and sororities in order to be initiated!
I find most people do not stop and make sure that they have the finances and are in the right place in their life to take such a large step. Or maybe I am blinded by the delusions of social media and what everyone plasters on it. My mother always told me that “You know, you know.” I wholeheartedly believe that. I think that it should not take you much long time at all to feel whether this partner is the one or not. If you take too long to decide and keep dragging your feet then your answer is right there. Once you reach a certain a point in life you should be proposing no more than a year later.
When you see something dazzling and enticing you know right away. The same goes for knowing when you meet the person you want to marry. It just clicks like two pieces of a puzzle.