Ashley Madison

There will be sarcasm, silliness, and seriousness here.

I will even include London Mayor Boris Johnson’s book The Dream of Rome and Monty Python’s Life of Brian with some great leaps of strands across the pages.

The Anglophile (me) will put it in and my newly found interest in Rome, but you will see the ballet-like leaps when we arrive. You’re already taking a risk, having an extramarital affair, and you shouldn’t have to depend on me to tell you those risks.

The typical affair starts as sparks and chemistry between people who meet each other in person first. Ashley Madison, a product of the Internet Age, allows you to meet online first. Meeting and having chemistry may or not be deliberate. Ashley Madison can be nothing but deliberate.

You obviously intended it if you give your credit card information. Credit card receipts bring down regular cheaters. On Ashley Madison, you’ve put your information out there. Gentlemen, you thought you were handed the keys to the kingdom, didn’t you? You let the little head think for the big one, which may be empty and is certainly oversexed.

You wanted the risk? Well done, you got it! It’s bad enough when you have a traditional affair. Your credit card receipts, expensive gifts, and cash withdraws provide plenty of fodder and evidence for private investigators and heartbreak for spouses and other family members. Now, you’ve gone to a website and put down your information in one place; how dumb. Gentlemen, haven’t you ever heard of hacking? Or has your libido overcome logic. Was the grass really greener on the other side, or did it all turn brown?

The traditional getting caught by a private investigator or your spouse limited the damage to a few people, who it was bad enough for. Now, the hackers can expose you, and all the evidence is there for the world to see. If you are on the Internet, you should know the risks, but guys just don’t think. Aren’t you relieved adulterers aren’t stoned anymore, although, don’t give certain groups any ideas?

Stoning would certain give extra business to quarries. They could make that part of the business. Provide building materials and entertain people with stoning adulterers. I can only think of Monty Python’s Life of Brian. Brian’s mother gets tired of listening to messages of peace and wants to go to stoning.

Then you worry about stones and glass houses. Look at the other fallout. Divorce Lawyers: Christmas came early. With Ashley Madison, the evidence is all laid out. Settle, quickly!

On the other hand, it will be a bleak Christmas for Private Investigators. No need to collect evidence, the hackers of Ashley Madison were rather obliging. Anyone (in)famous is in tabloid hell. Page Six of the New York Post, the Daily Mail in the United Kingdom, will have great fun! I read that twenty percent of Ottawa, Canada is on Ashley Madison. I’ve been to Ottawa, but I do not have a scholarly explanation.

Surely, Dudley Do-Right of the RCMP wouldn’t cheat on Nell, would he? One million people in the United Kingdom are on it. Just think of all the famous people going down. In a future essay I am writing, based on London Mayor Boris Johnson’s book The Dream of Rome when he discussed the first Roman Emperor Augustus.

I thought of Augustus because of how puritanical he was in old age. He made the women sit six rows back in the arena at the games. All that testosterone. I liked the bit about Horace and his mumbling about girls and nothing but sex, and the Daily Mail columnist after the tough subway ride. Augustus would not have liked the Internet, but Horace if he had a column would have had a major voice. The Daily Mail would have fun. Now for a serious note. I remember Wayne and Lorena Bobbitt. He didn’t use the big head, and she cut off the little one. Ouch! I am going to be serious now. As much fun as I’ve had with Ashley Madison, an affair is a serious matter and a sign of something deeper.

Work your problems out with your spouse. I have been married for thirty-one years to my best friend. Collaborate to solve your issues. As for Ashley Madison, tell her to return to whence she came.