I am saddened by the loss of my mother. She was in my life for sixty-two years. I should be grateful I had her so much longer than many did.
I am a greedy man; I was not ready to have her pass from me. I am saddened, not because I lost her; because I will miss all the time we should have had left.
I miss the months that added up to years when I did not see her. I was often too busy to take the time to visit. Even when she lived close, it was not important…It was never important then; I never thought, one day she would no longer be here.
My memories as an adult are different, some vivid, most not. Lives consumed by family, children, work, daily struggles force memories with mother into the background, where most are lost forever. I am forced to live with the memories I have accumulated as beautiful times; sadly, they are too few and sad times I long to be forgotten, rear their ugly head as if in defiance of the love I hold so dearly in my heart.
Yes, I am saddened by all of this, but mostly, I know nothing about my mother’s childhood and early adult years. I never asked. I wonder did she want me to ask or should she have told me. Then, why would she tell me if I showed no interest. There is a hole, that never existed until she passed, and now that hole will never be closed…there is no one left to tell me and mom cannot. It is as if that part of her life never existed. Gone forever…I never took the time to ask.
What was I thinking, sixty –two years, and I know less about my mother now that she is gone than I did when she was alive.
I am saddened, I did not have her to enjoy for a few more years. Her life ending unexpectedly, made me realize I am greedy. I want that time back to tell her all those things I should have told her through the lost years. I want to hear her story, her childhood, know the hardship and pain she suffered raising ten children. I am a greedy man; I long for what I will never have.
I will never again be able to hold her, tell her I love her, I will never have the time lost, which should have been time I gave to her.
I believe in God and salvation through Jesus Christ. I will again see her, hold her, and love her. This time I will take the time to ask. This time there will be no earthly limit…it will be eternity. Now that is a long time, and I will be saddened no longer.