Publisher Pontification: Mr.J
I just published my first novel making me a “professional author, writer, and novelist”. Or as my parents call it, “unemployed failure with good grammar”, but, I say tomato they say to get a real job before my high school reunion depresses me with reality!
NY Times said my book was dumb, LA Times said it was dumb, High times said it was brilliant then realized they were holding it upside down and later said it was dumb, then calling my book the first paperweight made of more paper that’s more confusing than solving a Rubik’s cube…color blind!!
But… Let me start at the very beginning: Parenthetically, I began as a college student majoring in English because I always wanted to be…homeless!
Incidentally, I loved English back in 12th grade when I graduated as class president, valedictorian, & prom king. Man, I really miss…home school!
Three things I don’t miss about home school:
- Every time I look in the mirror it’s a class reunion!
- Snow Days were never canceled, Brandon Jones Academy was always open!
- My mom was the entire faculty, staff, and still, my mother which was so crazy I thought she was crazy which is crazy. I walked into homeroom (which was any room in my home) and she was alone in the corner talking to her. I precipitously postulate that she’s wacko, nuts, crazy, and hearing voices in her head. Come to find out, just a PTA meeting!
My debut book reviews are so depressing they should come with a chair and a rope, a tub, and a toaster, or a razor and a note!
One critic said it was so boring it will put you to sleep faster than 20 mg of Ambien; Warning-side effects may include dizziness, drowsiness, and wanting an immediate refund!
Another critic said my book is to modern literature what Michael J Fox is to at winning a game of Jenga!
My publisher suggested I title the book MEET MR.J but in retrospect, my publisher said it should be called, “screw the reader out of 12 friggn’ bucks”!
My editor said it’s so scatterbrained and written for a reader with ADD that the bookmark should be a set of jingling shiny keys!
My distributor said it can be found on the bookshelves at GTMO bay for when waterboarding just isn’t cruel enough!
420 bad reviews later, High times forgot they read my book and did a second review saying they haven’t read it yet but have heard good things about it…and then realized they were reading all of those reviews upside down and once again called my book dumb!
So that brings us up to now, me a writer (the correct way to pronounce it, forget my parents)-But I need to pick up some Windex for my class reunion @ Brandon Jones Academy and see if any of my classmates are still living on campus like me cuz they don’t have a real job as my mom said to the principal at the last PTA meeting!