Hurt

4

They say that we decide to get hurt. Is it really in our power to control it?

I met somebody exactly at a point in my life that I felt that my life was given back to me! And I think that all the mothers out there will nod in agreement when I talk about the point when you already decided that your little creation is ready to be handled by others than yourself. The point when you admit that you are not the only one who can enrich your child.

hurtSo, very independently, I was working again from 9 to 5, in a job in which I could estimate my skills if any. And as much as it was liberating, it also raised many questions about my abilities and the fact that I should pursue a career. But what should I do, what should I pursue? After all, all my life I was missing the train – school, I finished later, when I was 20. Then went to university, stopped to get married…..

And then it came out of the blue, the opportunity of my life, someone has offered me to run a store, located in one of the busiest streets in Europe! After long deliberations, I decided to take this challenge. Then the responsibility hit me: personnel, salaries, rent, merchandise, profits, customers…. For me it was overwhelming I felt in a movie “the rich and successful” I was drunk from the opportunity.

I was earning my position. I was someone important that was chased by wholesales.  I had ideas pouring in like rain, learned how to twist all situation to my benefit. I was high in the sky, using every bit of my self to make it my big chance….

Only I couldn’t actually, didn’t know how to combine all this energy in perfect balance with my personal life, and between doing a perfect job, children need their mama, husbands need some love, and myself? I needed to grow up.

It was a disaster and naturally, I made the wrong decision. I decided my husband would understand, and he became last on the list, and my children got the basic things and were otherwise neglected. Now, this was the moment when a friend of mine pointed out my inabilities, while she has been doing this for years and developed her perfect combination of her profession and personal life and was swimming in it.

She took the truth and threw it in my face. I hated her! How dare she rubbing it in my face, when I could actually use help and advice or just to talk, I decided to get hurt! I was talking about it for days of how much I got hurt, but I must admit that, by pushing me down as she did, I had to prove her wrong! I used all my skills again to solve my puzzle of life.

So actually I have to thank her. She led me to be a better person. She drove me to aim higher, and still, I decided to stay hurt, also after this realization.

4 Comments
  1. lisa says

    Smadar,

    This is clearly from the hart and evidently your own experience and I appreciate it.

    What you describe is the continuing story of women who try to build a career and remain mothers and wives.

    I experience the same and it is not about to change any time soon.

    So look at it as an advantage. You have the best of both worlds. You are a mother and you build your own professional life.

    Keep fighting for it.

  2. Mystery Man says

    Dear Smadar,
    stop the doubt and start living! For everything we do in life we can find a million reasons why NOT to do it (study, work, new project, having kids), just look at the one reason why you SHOULD do it, and there should be no more doubt.
    If you learn how to master your own life, these questions you ask are history. YOU decide how to live your life, YOU decide if your actions are right or wrong, YOU decide how to live your life on your own terms.
    If you want to know more, I can reccomend you this website: http://www.whatthebleep.com.

  3. Penny says

    I happen to think Smadar is very courageous to speak about these subjects so freely. I am becoming a big fan of hers, and don’t think she needs ANY advice.
    Please go on Smadar, and entertain and enlighten us with your views!

  4. Debbie X says

    How do your children respond to your career moves? Do they suffer, or do they just tag along with everything that happens to them?
    I could imagine it’s stressful for them too!

    I wish you strength.

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