How Not to Squander Love on Poor Choices for Partnering

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To the question “Are you happy?”…up to 99% of all would say…No.  Here’s the thing – sometimes love spoils us and sometimes we spoil love.

Most of us want world peace, but before we can have world peace, we’ve got to get a handle on what it takes to maintain healthy peaceful relationships.  So it stands to reason that healthy relationships, establishing them and maintaining them, should rank high on our list of priorities.  Like everything good in life, a good relationship takes time, effort and commitment.  Without these love just isn’t worth the hurt and pain.

sensuous-muralWe all wonder when reading romance novels or seeing films if the heroine and hero will end up happily married.  Of course, even when the ending is unhappy, the value of love triumphs as in the movie, like Bridges of Madison County.

After all, a lost love is better than no love at all. It takes two to make a good marriage into a profitable relationship. It takes two to squander love. It does not stay fresh forever.

Since biology gives men have seven to eight times more testosterone than us, this may account for their many sexual affairs outside of marriage. Jerry Springer has shown us there is a lot of fighting over who- beds-who. Once trust is broken, it is almost impossible to forget no matter who is cheating. Maybe, love should be like a contract, strictly enforced or prosecuted if not.

Stephany Alexander, relationship expert says,  according to an adultery poll of over 5,000 women on WomanSavers.com, 52% or more said they believe adultery should be prosecuted in courts. In early 2007 an Arizona court prosecuted two married adulterers for the first time in over 30 years. I wonder what the verdict was?

Gloria Steinem, the well-known feminist, says, “Power can be taken, but not given; The process of the taking is empowerment in itself.” What defines us is the courage and confidence to “take control quietly or loudly.”  I think in most instances, power can be defined as inclusive depending on respect.  What is important to learn is that we’re all stronger than we think if we trust in love.

If you’re like me love has beaten you up a bit.  Maybe, you are so worn out and hurt that your self-esteem is too low to even try another relationship.  Our happiness depends on picking someone that shows respect to us; somehow we can trust; someone who likes us first and someone who can love us the way we need to be loved.

I like to think we all get what we deserve, but it is not hard to fall in love with someone that charms you; especially when you’re lonely or have no or little self-esteem.  If you come in romance contact with someone with any two of the following traits, run for the hills:

  • Grandiose perception of self and talents
  • Someone with no empathy for the feelings of others
  • Prolonged intensity of anger, distrust or inability to control impulses
  • One who declares love you almost immediately
  • One who seems too good to be true
  • One who lies about everything with no reason

The word itself narcissistic is derived from an ancient Greek legend, the story of Echo and Narcissus. The god Apollo was so angered by Narcissus’ pride and self-satisfaction in his own appearance, he condemned him to die without ever knowing human love. Narcissus eventually died alone and unloved beside the pool.  It is ironic those so desperate for love usually end up without love.

The latest marital breakups all over the news include Celebrities, Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse; and then there is Tiger and his wife, Erin.  Now we hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a love child with his Nanny? Arnold was a respected actor, body builder, and popular Governor – – not to mention married to one of the Maria Shriver, a Kennedy.

We all know they weren’t thinking with their heads. These are all talented men and wonderful providers.  I imagine they knew they were doing wrong just couldn’t or wouldn’t stop acting on impulse.  They were considered good husbands; heroes, in fact, strong, macho and sound financially.

Perhaps, Tiger, Jesse, and Arnold all had delusions of superior adequacy. Perhaps, they were all are narcissists.  Maybe, their wives fed their delusions by trusting them implicitly.  I agree with Judge Judy when it comes to relationships, if something doesn’t make sense, it probably isn’t true.

We laugh at Charlie on Two and a Half Men and his narcissism; but in reality, narcissists do not make good companions or lovers. Oh, what a tangled web they weave their stories full of Lies, Lies, and More Lies.  If you are curious about the effects of narcissism on a relationship, look up The Narcissism Book…

This book relates true experiences like the following: There can be a brutal change in a narcissist; all the more shocking because of what they appear to be. Their rage is indescribable, unnerving and frightening.  They can be like a total strange Jekyll and Hyde.  It is exhausting to know them; and it can be like clinging to the edge of a cliff 24 hours a day, to have a relationship with them.

In summary, Family ties, love, relationships, and friendships all play a huge role in our overall happiness factor.  It is best not to squander love as it does not come easily.  There is more written about love and romance than any other subject. Enjoy my own take on, The Birth of Venus, A Poem (Botticelli):

I could imagine being Venus when blown towards shore by the gods of passions, born an adult woman with a seductively long neck, and shoulders that bow in reverence to man and his whims; the gods gave us a good lesson when they turned a son’s hatred for his father into eternal love; out of the sea she came, probably the first cultured pearl birthed from castrated genitals.

I imagine her eyes were emerald green, and her hair was the color of yellow tulips, and in my head, she looked like a Britney, she never knew hunger, she feasted on poppies and wild flowers, sang and danced her days away, and like most women, she was many, a lover of man, a nurturer, and a demon when unattended and uncelebrated; she represented that paradoxical attraction and destruction between lovers, wielding her sword of contempt with palms filled with our pre-destiny to love and be loved.

2 Comments
  1. MiriamSPia says

    Thank you for writing this. A lot of what people perceive as narcissism has to do with the need to complete maturing from the infantile stage of development in which there is little or no ego-separation between the baby and the care giver. Ego separation is necessary for people to give certain kinds of consideration to others.

    I hope I am not a narcissist at this point, and see how it could be a real source of relationship troubles. Recently I watched an SF dystopian movie in which an entity viewed as an ancient Egyptian deity behaved with pathological self-centredness.

    Most parents, but also sometimes both children and also lovers feel that a loved one seems much too self centred. Like most things in life it is a matter of balance. Healthy self love and interest are good, but like we see in life: there are situations in which one can live without bringing harm to others and there are circumstances in which doing so is not to easy to avoid if one is still going to meet one’s own needs.

  2. Joyce White says

    Thank you MiriamSPia for your comment. Love is complicated. It is best to be forewarned when it comes to relationships.

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