When I Look Back

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“When I look back on the time spent

with my Mother, I have a multitude of
smiles and talks, snuggles and lectures
cakes made and time spent cooking and
talking about life

we were never great with relationships yet
she dis not want me to struggle as she did and
ironically enough, I did and do as a single parent
as she did as well. I look back and wonder
what if I stayed in those stupid catillion classes?

what if I really listened and educated myself
with her advice, consumed with confusion by
a Father who abandoned me and a step mother
who despised me, I felt so lost for so long and then
my poetry hit a tune and a song within other hearts
and I knew my life had more meaning, a new start
a fresh heart, and she saw it, saw it before she died

Moms breakfast went cold and in our home nothing
went cold or dry
she told me to go for it, gave me her blessing
and told a friend of mine then, “Make
sure she keeps writing.” And so I write.

I write to release
the inner beast
the pain inside
the inner child that
never got to be that child
to just have fun
so confused for so long

I thought the divorce was my fault and
Mom,
Mom was always there and Dad cared but never showed
only money and cards on occasion
there were stipulations to times spent with him.

My Mother knew everything about anything and
if she didn’t know everything I thought
she knew everything because she
was always there
like a star in the night sky
constant in her splendor
she never wandered or rendered of her duties
she was Godsent and now in heaven she sits
there must be a mall there and a card table too

My Mother was a prize possession
the ultimate gift of love and purity
until a child was born
My Lizzie, my gift, the gift my Mom
wanted for me, conceived two weeks after her
death, I then became a single parent; I knew in the sonogram room
Lizzie was my miracle child after
a prayer on my knees and a
novina the night before asking
God for a sign
something that I could love that
was unconditional that
would never leave

to the hospital I went the next day
two months and 3 days pregnant without knowing it
the Father showed up
asking, “Is it mine?”

what a lifetime movie line
I raised her on my own and left
with no regrets
I let all my regrets go
a long time ago
sat with a body for 4 hours
Moms, we sat in her room, 4 of us, all alone,
alone with a corpse and a
family that left us behind
because of their own needs and time
and time not well spent and never forgotten.

I look back and I look at today and I see
the gift in front of me
a child
a child named Lizzie and Mom’s heart
is in hers and mine forget pasttimes
of regrets and move on and forget about the bad
life is too short to be sad
so I will make cakes to bring
a family together
like in the dream
they will either stand in the stormy weather or
slam the door
whatever the result

I soared
soared above what I thought I could do
I played the role of a caring person without regret
and remembered what my Mother taught me
and kept it with me as time well spent in every day
of my life i will reach out and not hold back
lend a hand and listen get yelled at whatever the
cost I will pay it and walk away,
walk away
knowing I truly did my best to put a families trials
to rest and not to the test
in the name of my Mother.”

Copyright Meg Collins, July 25, 2011.

When I Look Back was last modified: December 26th, 2014 by Meg Collins
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One Response to "When I Look Back"

  1. Nancy Duci Denofio  Saturday, August 6, 2011 at 18:36

    A wonderful poem meg. Congratulations to you. Nancy

    Reply

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