It Was Me Ma

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An Adoptee’s life with a loveless Adopted Mother:
It Was Me Ma
It was me ma
You called dead chicken
When you brought me home

It was me ma
That you cleaned skinned knees
With peroxide and made me scream

It was me ma
You took to baton and demanded
Me to be the best

It was me ma
That took fifth place
Disappointing your expectations

It was me ma
You sent to dance school at 5
With that scary red haired teacher
(This still gives me nightmares)

It was me ma
You sent to oil painting lessons
In third grade
I must confess I loved this, the best

It was me ma
You made me go to girl scouts
Until I was 18

It was me ma
That marched next to you in numerous parades
With either Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts

It was me ma
That you disciplined so heavily
Anything within your reach was your valid tool

It was me ma
You broke the bathroom’s pedestal sink
And pipes with my head

It was me ma
You cornered next to the kitchen table
To crack me over the head with a dinner plate

It was me ma
You throw the Electrolux vacuum
Down 13 steps, causing a gash right above my eye
That is when you asked Pop to build a new hall closet

It was me ma
With you when Paul had his car accident
Me ma, sitting for hours waiting for him to awake

It was me ma
With you through all those hours
Of physical therapy

It was me ma
That sat thru home remedies
Of hot pigs lard and massaging it into
Paul’s back and limbs
(Dear God what a stink)

It was me ma
You hated to bring to the doctors
Only using home remedies of Lysol and water
For a rash I received from the mats in gymnastics

It was me ma
You watched while I was suffering
With my uvular so swollen it sat against my teeth
Again another home remedy of ice chips and lemons

It was me ma
That that throat infection
Went into my system and from that day
Forward I suffered from breakouts of boils

It was me ma
Who watched you
Coo and cuddle Paul and baby Jane
Leaving Dennis and I to only have each other

It was me ma
You screamed at each Saturday Chore Day
“Watch My Woodwork” as I vacuumed the
Two story carpeted house

It was me ma
Polishing the brass on your doors
Again screaming not to get cleaner on
“My” door

It was me ma
Waxing the large antique
18 seat Dining Set
You yelling I missed a spot
And don’t drip any wax on “My” Rug

It was me ma
That couldn’t get out of the house
On Saturdays until way past noon!

It was me ma
That my friends call me
Cinderella

It was me ma
Who ran away at 13 years old
To sit on the George Washington Bridge
Contemplating suicide

It was me ma
That the Port Authority Police scared
Making run all the way home only to get
An ass whooping from Pop, that you demanded

It was me ma
That held you as you cried
When finding out Pop
Had lung cancer, knowing he would die

It was me ma
Who gave you good advice
On Pops store and apartment building
That would have set the whole family for years to come

It was me ma
That told you
I’m pregnant before I was married
Ashamed of me to all your lady friends

It was me ma
To pacify you
Married a man that at 30
Had yet to grow up

It was me ma
You forgot to tell
That you sold the store and property

It was me ma
Who came home from my honey moon
Finding another man running Pop’s store

It was me ma
You didn’t listen too
Selling too soon, and too cheap

It was me ma
That you did not visit
When I gave birth to your first grandchild

It was me ma
That stayed in silence
Being abused and beaten
Because I was only shown
Love to be like this

It was me ma
That became pregnant
Six months later because he would
Never accept no for an answer

It was me ma
That was held by my neck
In the corner of the doorway

It was me ma
8 months pregnant, with baby Sean in my arms,
Trying to leave

It was me ma
Being told I could leave but I not with his kids,
As he reached for the butcher knife

It was me ma
That disgraced you by
Divorcing my abuser

It was me ma
Alone to raise two toddlers
Leaving them in your safe care
While I worked full time

It was me ma
That paid you for child care with every dime
I received from child support, you signing and
Cashing my checks which I never even saw

It was me ma
You disappointed
For all I asked you to do
Was not leave them alone with Paul
But the shopaholic in you did not listen

It was me ma
That took care of Jane’s girls
When you had had enough
Sending them downstairs to me

It was me ma
That had your sweet Paul
Arrested for doing unspeakable thing
To my small boys

It was me ma
That was an outcast in the family
For arresting Paul, claiming my small boy
Was lying, even though sweet Paul was convicted

It was me ma
That you disrespected me by
Wearing a track suit to my 2nd wedding
After cooking from 5am and then getting ready
An hour before I was to wed

It was me ma
Marrying a Muslim Egyptian
And being excommunicated
From your beloved church

It was me ma
You said “no” to buy your beach house
Telling me pop told you not to sell it to us
Even though Pop was dead over 20 years

It was me ma
Wanting not to have “I told you so”
Jammed down my throat
I stayed married for over twelve years

It was me ma
I know you heard the screaming and fighting
From the one room with a long hallway
Basement apartment I rented from you for $500.a month

It was me ma
You forgot to discuss with
That your own mother was divorced
And the Grandfather was really a Step-grandfather

It was me ma
You did not tell your childhood stories
You kept them for Jane, the same way
You watched her children for free

It was me ma
After twelve years which seemed like a life sentence
I once again was getting a divorce

It was me ma
Alone again, and in pain
You never consoled

It was me ma
Who found out you
Financed Jane’s house

It was me ma
Who paid you back every penny
I borrowed for a business you cause to go bust

It was me ma
Who saved Jane’s financial ass
By having my boyfriend buy Jane’s 100 year old house

It was me ma
Who got you along with the plantation
Because you were losing your mind

It was me ma
Who cared for your every need
Making my hernias get worse

It was me ma
That the neighbors called the police on
Because you were on the roof deck screaming let me in
Not realizing the door slid open

It was me ma
Only me and my step family
Who wipe your ass and feed your face

It was me ma
You thought I was a nice lady,
Not your daughter one minute
And the next you were screaming,
Spiting and scratching us

It was me ma
Who ask Jane for help
When she visited from PA
Who told me with a wave of her hand
“I don’t do diapers!”

It was me ma
Who was there to hold your hand
Knowing you were scared

It was me ma
Who kissed you each night
Telling you that I loved you

It was me ma
Still waiting for you to see your daughter
And tell me once that you did love me

It was me ma
With you until your passing
Still waiting to hear from you

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