I have an antique candy cane.
But it’s still in mint condition.
Some of my jokes are topical.
Which are Jokes for external use only?
I saw a milk carton that said 2% milk.
I assume the other 98% was the carton.
This is a wrinkle-free tee shirt.
The shirt was $26 but the wrinkles were free.
I have pleated pants.
They pleaded guilty.
Old Spice is made at a sweatshop.
Martha Stewart nude photos Leaked online.
Haven’t seen them yet but knowing her, it’s safe to assume that the carpet matches the drapes.
They say never let a good belt go to waist.
But that’s exactly where it should go…On your waist.
I have a toy remote control tow truck.
Explains why it runs on AAA batteries.
I have a knock-off Rolex called a Xanax Wrist Watch.
It has a nervous tick.
I don’t have a Wristwatch.
But I do have a bracelet that reminds me that I’m late.
I bought a new wallet but I spent all of my money on it.
So, I don’t even know if it works yet.
I put a blue tooth under my pillow.
And woke up and found a speaker.
I talked dirty on my phone so I washed it with soap.
Since it’s a Phone I used Dial soap.
I sun burn so easily that I have to use Industrial Strength SPF 6,000.
You squeeze the bottle & it squirts out a solar eclipse.
I have an idea for a ringtone that sounds like a rhetorical question.
That way when it rings, you don’t have to answer it.
Pot makes me so paranoid that my bong has a rear view mirror.
Caution: Munchies maybe closer than they appear.
I wrote a joke about the movie Inception.
Or at least I dreamt that I did.
I asked a nurse for an IV.
And she brought me a Roman numeral 4.
She obviously didn’t graduate from a Roman numeral league school.
I have a professional unicyclist.
The only trick I’m good at is doing a wheelie.
I’m sponsored by Neosporin.