Holding My Breath

1

Holding My Breath

Holding My Breath

I sit alone holding my breath
Living between breaths
Trying to hear the depths of my soul
Listening to the winds

Hurricane like in their strength
And I am weakened
Eldest daughter of my Father
Grown up much too fast

Trying to escape from my past
But there is so much more
Far more
Yet guilt shreds my souls

Semblance to ashes
Smooth dancing in the air
Right there between breaths
I recess to thoughts

That if I stay away
Then others I cannot harm or blame
For my failures and mistakes
I am as true as I can be

I am just me
Symbiotic turns embryonic
And the womb in me
Bleeds forth

A vastly different course
Of failure far more than success
Especially in relationships
I guess that’s just the part of me

That’s weak
I know love is the only source of
Real peace
So I breathe in deeply

Deeply pondering the space and time between each breath of mine
I guess I still have much to learn
I try not to believe what “they” engrained in me
My brain’s overloaded with floods of emotions

And my emotions are obvious
Everything shows in my face
Which resembles my Father’s
Yes, I am his eldest child

His daughter
His baby girl
So I know that’s not what I search for
So unsure at times as to what exactly

I am doing here
There is still fear
I once tried to kill myself
It didn’t work

Earned me a trip to the Emergency Room
To get my stomach pumped
It’s really a miracle that I’m still here
And I still think that there are far more that suffer worse than I have

It’s true, suffering is a part of this too
The self-inflicted punishments
Damnation to my soul
Excommunicated by the wrath of a darker power

Not glorious in battle
A victor rides his steed in due season
I cry tears in the dark
And sometimes for me its hard to distinguish the voices in my head

My Mother is dead, she has been for 24 years
I have outlived her by 2 years, but as I said
Self inflicted punishments
To my body

Which is my temple
Yet I have not given penance
I do not worship upon my own alter
Sacrifice, yes

Dying many deaths
Death’s of my heart
Parts of me are scattered to the wind
As the fall leads into winter once again

I have to forgive myself
And still I live between breaths
When will I re-member myself
I am flesh, and blood

I am also a woman
I am predecessor of an ancient voice
I wake in and out of trances
Glances into possible futures

Glances back into the past
Which cannot be remade or changed
Only pondered over and over again
I know this too

It’s like gum on the bottom of your shoe
Something sticky you cannot ignore
Like an oozing sore
Many sensory perceptions

Guessing at which is the right door
Always with pure intent
I push it open, trying to go forward
Not always hell bent on destruction

I get lost in the mind of me
An island far away from everyone else, indeed
I hide from mirrors
Convinced if I cannot see it

Then I cannot
Be it
I live in a paradox of irony
Smiling

Frowning much more than necessary
I don’t laugh enough
Getting stuck
I barely breathe

Longer than a moment
I am the she-devil of the desert
A scorpion
Poisonous

Stinger raised and ready
Ghastly, I bid death
Yet still holding beauty
Suspended in my eyes

Derelict stages of confusion
My mind seeking out my soul
My soul staggering behind
Like the blind

Lowly glances
Seeking second and third chances
Asking the Universe for nothing
And nothing is what I get

But that’s not the end of it
My womb has been blessed
I hold my children sacred
And I am adopted mother to many

And even animals are comforted in my presence
I guess that is the eye of my own storm
My battle within
To love myself as I love others

I love me less and less these days
Into my garden, lately
I plant nothing
And nothing is what I get

So I separate myself
I am not whole
A million or more particles
Vibrate together and make me

On this plane
I am weak
I am strong at the same time
At least in others eye’s

How is it that they see things so differently than me
I care not for myself oft times
And oft times I loathe me
Absolutely detest what this daughter has come to be

And what has been done by me
The darkness blackens out the light
And sometimes
I feel like dying

But other times I shine so
Like the silvery moon upon the shore of a white beach
Rippled waves, stages where I played
Receding into prayers

I believe unheard
Asking God to make me better
Better than before
I still desire the more

And desire drags me
I cannot carry the weight
Feeling the noose tighten around my neck
I am frightened of what I can become

Of what it is that I have learned
To whom much is given
Much is required
I am fire

Ablaze, crackling fiercely
Prickly pins pricking the skin
Placing parts with no patience
For the making of me

I’d like to be free
Free of this
This bi-polar bliss and darkness
Free of the uglier side of me

I am swallowed whole in the belly of deceit
Lost in the wilderness
Seeking redemption
Atonement for this karma

Balance I ask for daily
Sometimes praying and questioning God
I question myself
Second-guessing my intellect

My spirit is dried, in need of watering
My gardens have overgrown
There will be no harvesting
Trifle whims

And my time is given over to sleep where I do not rest
Its like a mosquito buzzing about
I cannot dwell in this house for long
And my knee bounces faster than my thoughts fly through my mind

This time
Manifesting many now’s
Fading into the past morrows
Laden with sorrow
I am trying to live in today

At this moment
I am alone
My fingers fly across the keyboard
I hear the music playing

As I inhale Newport smoke
Exhaling, hoping God does hear and save me
Before I lose myself and fade in to nothingness
Pelted by thoughts

Shooting like cannons into the sky
Bright as the morning
Of a new day’s dawning
Everyday the Sun rises

And darkness runs to hide
What is this story that is playing out in my reality
My fantasies are far better
Better suited for another

If action is required
I must move
I do not recall what “still” is
My feet in constant movement

Harbinger of death
Swift and constant
I die daily
Praying to feel better

Between breaths
I seek out my soul
I try to see that part of me
That could be whole

To be what I really am
Acceptance is the issue
My Father’s daughter, I am for sure
What I want, I don’t have

So I punish myself
Inflicting periods of isolation
Purposefully…
Sometimes its better that I be

Alone
So destruction will not come to others
Between my breaths
Life passes in split seconds

Second chances a million times over
Gasping for air
I try not to feel
Unheard

But I am screaming at the top of my lungs
Prowling about like a beast
Seeking out something to eat
As emotions

Eat
Away
At
Me

1 Comment
  1. Dyman Khonneth Yahaya says

    Hey, tough!
    This is a good peace of work. I like the whole thing though I wanted to quit half midway. It’s rather too long. Oh, by the way, It’s breathless! A good title!

    In my opinion though, I believe following a standard form would have helped to gather the common ideas together. The way it is, the flow is distorted somehow which leads to the title getting overshadowed .
    Nevertheless, it has all ingredients of a creative power with rhyming pattern here and there that tends to add a flavor. You deserve all the encouragement in the world!

    Hey let me just stop, who the hell do I think I am? I really don’t know. So, I’ll say: Keep it up coz I know the best is yet to come!

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