Lost In the Thought of Life
Lost In the Thought of Life
I woke up cold & uncomfortable, wondering why the AC is on when it’s about 40 degrees outside!
As I lay there thinking about how I didn’t wanna go to school & run the mile in this inhumane weather, I got up, hopped in the shower & started my day. I’m the quiet type, the guy who writes deep poetry, the guy who sits in the classroom blasting music, the guy that watches everyone’s every move, the guy that to others will be something but to me, I’m not sure.
See in my mind things in my life feel like they have gone by way too fast for me and I’m simply afraid, I mean one minute I’m a kid next hour I’m 18! What the hell happened?! Where will I be? What will I do? Will I contribute to this world? Will I be alone?
I have to worry about taxes, jobs, insurance, and more. I take a breath, hoping to relieve some stress & just ended up feeling worthless & unwanted. So searching for a way out, or in, I decided I wanted to join the service to feel a part of something more than myself, you know? Like the commercials say.
But there’s more to it, I’ve grown up in this thing we call life without a father, he’s alive but has a disease called MS, so he’s been in the hospital all his life (mostly) & not with me so, I grew up hating him. Why couldn’t my dad show me things like everyone else’s & why couldn’t I experience things like everyone else,
But there’s more to it, I’ve grown up in this thing we call life without a father, he’s alive but has a disease called MS, so he’s been in the hospital all his life (mostly) & not with me so, I grew up hating him.
Why couldn’t my dad show me things like everyone else’s & why couldn’t I experience things like everyone else, the list goes on & the hate grew, especially when I got around that age were females became my number one objective.
As I got older I understood & am no longer mad, but nothing fills that..that hole that’s there. My mom on the other hand, well she’s lesbian, I stay away from her because that’s how I am, if I feel uncomfortable about something I drift away, avoid it.
But I respect her & her ways but this isn’t about my parents, but about life. This world makes me wish I was a kid again because your told growing up you can do anything you want if you believe or truly want to, just to be shot down by some egotistical assholes who never followed their dreams.
We as people are fucking up our world, all people worry about is themselves & their small circle of people, money, what the latest style is, and all these other materialistic stuff. But all the problems that happen all over the world today, if it doesn’t have anything to do with us, we just look the other way because it’s not our problem.
But hey, I’m just 18, and starting over seems so good right now in this chapter of my life, too bad that’s not possible. To make things worse, a few days ago was my last day at a high school where I’m hated by many, loved by few, confronted by none.
But yes, I dropped out of high school, job hunting, & starting adult school (I don’t really care as long as I get my diploma) but I’m mad at myself because if I would have done all I was supposed to do freshman & sophomore year I wouldn’t be in this situation, to begin with, but I’m human, we make mistakes, & that’s life. I’m not afraid to do what needs to be done, but I’m afraid to lose the girl I love.
Yeaaahh, Yeahhhh, I know what some of you are thinking it’s just a teenage love and all that, but most of you have been like this before & besides who are you to tell me how I feel & about my life. Love is love & if you feel it or have it, you know how I feel. Anyways, my girlfriend loves me & I believe & feel she does, long story what we’ve gone through but I’ve even considered proposing to her, yes it’s that serious.
The fact of the matter Is, her parents don’t like black people (African Americans) & I simply don’t like the way they treat her, so don’t look like my relationship with her family is starting on a good note, which bugs me because I’m realizing that I’m a family man just because I never got the complete love of all my family members.
But they don’t like me because they stereotype people & it’s simply sad. I’ve never been in trouble with the law, never smoked, or drank anything.
I treat her how she’s supposed to be treated, help her with the things she needs to be done (homework), here for her 24/7, a gentleman to her, support her in all her decisions, most of all she’s happy, so in my eyes, I’m a good guy, but guess none of that matters nowadays, it’s all about race with people, oh & money of course.
I’m afraid that the time away from each other will either drift us apart (which is natural) or bring our relationship to another level. I trust her but not other people.
Am I wrong for feeling that? I don’t think so. I’m aware I’m jumping around but you don’t know all about me so what’s it matter? Poetry. The complex art mellows me out & relieves all my stress. Give me a pen and a piece of paper and watch me sign my life away, then music, it keeps me sane in the world that’s full of bullshit everywhere you go, give me a little bit of Tech N9ne, Wale And Lupe Fiasco and I’m okay.
And just art, the ability to create something out of nothing makes me feel accomplished..somehow. But I wonder a lot where I’m headed in life, even decided to start writing a book or something instead of poetry to make me feel less afraid.
This is me, A young black male, 18, confused in a world that we bring down ourselves, determined, aware, watching all around me, but I’m going to stop now since I’m in class & just got my iPod taken away, which is sad cause I was just talking about us depending on materialistic things.
But think about this, you worry about things that mean something to you but why not worry about something that can change everyone’s lives someday, or somehow. I don’t know, that’s just me thinking, don’t judge me, I’m only human.
Ah, memories of troubled teenage years. Glad I left them back in the 1960’s. By the time I reached my sixteenth birthday I had joined up. That’s the time when being a teenager abruptly ended for me Sean. Great story 😉
Very good work, Sean. This is something most, if not all, of us can relate to: troubled and troubling times finding ourselves in those very awkward and challenging years.
I recognize much from my own young life. You are telling a story in a fluid way that speaks to me in a way I can so clearly remember from my youth. I enjoyed rambling along with your thoughts. I love the way you nudge the deeper questions and flow on. I thought I might mention I am married coming up on 19 years to the man I trusted, when there was no other person I could, at 18. So whose to say where your road with your love will go?
Jack, Andrew, & Cynthia thanks for taking out the time to read what’s going on in my head (aha) I appreciate it & it’s a bit more reassuring knowing I’m not the only one who went through things similar to this. Cynthia that’s a long time! congrats though, I’m definitely going to follow my heart & ask her to marry me.
Once again thanks, I won’t have anymore stories like this, I usually write poetry but we’ll see. Take care
Really appreciate the honesty with which you wrote this Sean. Can definitely identify with a large part of it. Suggest that the next article you write includes more commas where needed and the use of “and” and not “&”. Abbreviations are fine when texting, but don’t work for publication Hope you keep writing. There are some gems in your thoughts, feelings and experience.
Thanks Gabriel for the info about public writing, & thanks for reading.
As an up and coming writer I find reading work with such magnitude and such meaningfullness very inspiring thanks for sharing this wonderful story