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Parental Control

Parental Control: SpeciaChristmas Edition – Emergency Addendum to the International Kid Code.

The “Christmas Stress” is almost too much for a 9-year-old kid, but it must be dealt with by the child, or let the selection of Christmas toys fall upon an adult. That would be a major miscarriage of the “Kid Code” page 17, paragraph 2, which states, “Never allow an adult to choose, recommend, or have control over the selection of toys.”

It is permissible to let an adult recommend toys, but just be nice, shake your head and choose what you want anyway. If the adult gets too pushy, too demanding, and tries to take too much control, there are remedies. The child can begin by just expressing their dislike, then getting a little stronger by raising their voice and stamping their feet. **Caution**, be extremely careful. Some adults become very angry and could resort to physical abuse, commonly known as ‘spanking.’  Spanking can be a very traumatic experience, but there are actions the child can do to mitigate the effects of ‘spanking’. I will get to those shortly.

But to continue with controlling pushy adults; taking extreme measures may be necessary in some cases. Adults like to use such tactics as telling the child, “You won’t get anything for Christmas!” But don’t panic, that is only an empty threat. To do that would be an absolute humiliation and admission that they were poor parents Adults would not dare let a child get up and find the proverbial ‘bag of coal.’  If a child is subjected to these idle threats, they should allow the adult to believe that the child is fearful and that the threat is real, even though the child knows differently.

Always remember, even if you receive a light pat on the gluteus maximus, you MUST cry like you have been severely mangled.  If extreme measures are called for, the child may begin to cry, yell, fall down on the floor and violently kick. This will many times correct the situation, but it can also result in the dreaded spanking.

Now to get to some of the remedies to either prevent, minimalize or marginalize, the results of spanking and use spanking to your advantage. If a child is confronted with a spanking situation and the adult makes the mistake of saying “this is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you,” you are in the driver’s seat already. If you hear those words, have a plan in mind. The most important thing….. Make the adult feel as though if you are experiencing extreme pain, so extreme you may die from the spanking. Scream, cry, beg, “Please stop”, and if you possibly can, cry big old crocodile tears. This may be very difficult at first, but any child can master the technique.

Just a couple more tips to help a child learn to control an adult. If you do have to result to extreme measures, be sure you do these things in public. Public humiliation of an adult will go a long way and don’t be surprised if you get unsolicited support from a nosy bystander. Controlling an adult doesn’t happen overnight. It takes work, perseverance, and patience. You have to begin when you’re young so that by the time you are 9 years old, like me, you will have some well-trained and obedient parents you can be proud of.

Once a child has mastered the technique of training and controlling an adult, it is time to move on to the ‘Art of Suckering Santa’ into being on the side of the child. The first step of this important phase is for the child to be able to determine a real Santa from a fake Santa. Engaging in suckering techniques with a fake Santa is a waste of time. How do you tell if Santa is real? Begin with some very basic indicators that I learned at an early age. The easiest way is to observe. Start at the top and work your way down. The Santa hat; is it clean? Is it wrinkled? Does Santa wear the hat properly? If the hat is wrinkled or dirty, that could indicate it has been stored all year, a possible fake Santa.

Does Santa wear the hat squarely on his head, pulled down to about mid-brow? If the hat is cocked to one side or toward the back of the head, that could also indicate a possible fake. Approach the Santa. Does he smell like a cigarette or cigar, or worse yet, does he smell of alcohol? Check the glasses; is there glass in those gold frames? Are the eyebrows bushy? Tug on the beard; is it real? Does the wrinkle check on the rest of the outfit? Check the boots; are they clean, nice, and shiny. And one dead giveaway….does the outfit smell like mothballs? A good indicator of a real Santa, the real one rides in the Christmas Parade. These fake Santas are probably good guys just trying to help out. After all, Santa can’t be everywhere at one time, but don’t waste your time and effort using the ‘sucker’ routine on a fake Santa.

We are now ready to get down to the brass tacks. When the adult ushers the child up to Santa Claus, the child needs to show fear to play on the emotions of Santa. When the adult lifts the child to place the child on Santa’s knee the child should scream, cry, and reach back to the adult. After a few moments, the child needs to slowly stop crying and begin to look at the Santa with big crocodile tears in their eyes. Slowly lean closer to Santa, lying back against his arm and chest.

That should do it; he is now putty in the child’s hands. When Santa asks questions, at first, don’t answer. All children know how to feign shyness, and this the time to do it. Sniff and snub a few times during this portion to make sure it appears to be real. Tell Santa the main items desired for gifts this year, and somewhere during this conversation, try to say, “Not like what I got last year.” This will put the thought into Santa’s mind that you did not have a wonderful Christmas last year, though you probably did. Just that one seed of doubt may be just enough to encourage Santa to attempt to make your Christmas merrier.  Don’t worry; you can do it, each year you will get better and more confident. Merry Christmas.

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