1. I want to write a book called ventriloquism for dummies and another called the complete idiots guide to being a savant-As a kid if I was walking on the sidewalk and I witnessed a stranger get hit by a truck I would laugh. As an adult, I would only laugh if…I were the one driving the truck!
2. -Growing up, my parents told me I was an only child, so, I thought that meant…I was the last of my species.Then the first day of kindergarten…2 things happened: First, I realized there was more of my kind. And, second, I was expelled for trying to procreate and prevent our extinction\
3. I am so impatient that I was born premature…by 9 ½ months!My first sonogram is a photo of me as a…fidgeting fetus repeatedly glancing at my wristwatch!-I do not have a wristwatch…but I do have a bracelet that reminds me I am late!-
4. I have a compass that looks like a pocket watch or a pocket watch that looks like a compass. I know either where I am or how long I have been there. Like now, it is either two o clock…or north is that way!
5. -Some people think the name brand fossil is a wristwatch designed exclusively for archeologists…But not me, cuz I think it is also made for dyslexic dentists: Cuz when they look at the word FOSSIL they see the letters rearranged so it spells…“I Floss”!-
6. My ex-girl friend and I had our differences: Like I am a Sagittarius.And…she is a cheating whore!
7. -The last time a woman tried to get into my pants…She was reaching for my wallet!
8. -If I had a nickel for every time, someone asked me if I had a coin collection: By now, I would be telling the truth when I reply…“Yes, I do!” J
9. . I wrote a joke about Crest Mint Flavored Whitening Toothpaste…Only three out ten of dentists agree it is funny!
10. . I would tell you a joke about Asian food but its unfulfilling cuz…you would only want to hear another after only about half an hour!3. When I was born, my parents called me an “Only Child”. However, I have done my research…There is a lot of them out there!
11. . I performed at a nudist’s colony and everyone in the crowd was fully naked. I got nervous on stage so I used that old public speaking trick of calming my nerves by imagining the entire audience in their underwear!
12. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked if I had a coin collection, by now it would not be a lie when I replied, “Yes!”
13. Abilify is an anti depressant pharmaceutical with side effects including suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Not to be outdone Pepto-Bismol released a new industrial strength formula with side effects including nausea, heartburn, and explosive diarrhea. Abilify responded by designing their pills in the shape of tub/toaster, chair/rope/, razor/note, or something that would make any one want to kill themselves…a free copy of my new book which even free feels overpriced.
14. I am not an organ donor. Poor musicians should afford their own instruments!
15. I bought a new wallet that costs so much I spent all my money on it. I did not even know if it worked at first. It was a leather receipt container!
16. Is writing jokes hard? ‘Jokes’ is only a five letter word. So it is only hard if you cannot spell or if you are bad at cursive cuz, that lower case ‘J’ can be tricky!
17. .I cannot play stairway to heaven but I can play escalator to purgatory: It is quicker, easier, and less impressive!11.I am so boring my tape recorder just pretends to listen when I press record. Requires two AA Duracell batteries & double dose of Adderall 20mg tablets: Not included!
18. .I lost a carton of milk so while it was missing I placed photos of it on the back children’s faces.
19. .Someone asked me to sign my name. So I went, (act out deaf sign language)!
20. I would imagine KNOCK-KNOCK Jokes bring back disturbing memories for three specific little pigs!15.I saw a mint in poor condition!
21. .I dropped acid. Then I picked it up and ate it!
22. .I thought when you died they offered everybody the option to be cremated but only a select few meet the criteria. Cremations are not given away-in the end it is something you need to ‘urn'!-
23. As a kid if I was walking on the sidewalk and I witnessed a stranger get hit by a truck I would laugh. As an adult, I would only laugh if…I were the one driving the truck!
24. -Growing up, my parents told me I was an only child, so, I thought that meant…I was the last of my species.Then the first day of kindergarten…2 things happened:First, I realized there was more of my kind. And, second, I was expelled for trying to procreate and prevent our extinction!
25. I am so impatient that I was born premature…by 9 ½ months!My first sonogram is a photo of me as a…fidgeting fetus repeatedly glancing at my wristwatch!-I do not have a wristwatch…but I do have a bracelet that reminds me I am late!
26. I have a compass that looks like a pocket watch or a pocket watch that looks like a compass. I know either where I am or how long I have been there. Like now, it is either two o clock…or north is that way!-Some people think the name brand fossil is a wristwatch designed exclusively for archeologists…But not me, cuz I think it is also made for dyslexic dentists: Cuz when they look at the word FOSSIL they see the letters rearranged so it spells…“I Floss”!-
27. My ex-girl friend and I had our differences: Like I am a Sagittarius.And…she is a cheating whore!-The last time a woman tried to get into my pants…She was reaching for my wallet!-
28. If I had a nickel for every time, someone asked me if I had a coin collection: By now, I would be telling the truth when I reply…“Yes, I do!”
29. -If you take things literally its linguistics but if you literally take things its larsony. Semantics or swindling, syntaxt or stealing, thesauruses or theirfy, grammar or grifting, phonetical or felony, illogical or illegal, scholar or scammer, of their pros are nouns cons are conjunctures ur pros are probations and your cons r convicts, u go from lwerclass to lower case both one wishes the capital is letter, other the wishes the capitol is better, synonyms or sins oh him, or even if you are the mark to their twain or the bonnie to their clyde, the bruce to their wayne or the falling to their goeth before thing called pride: Either way you’re not getting invited to too many parties.
30. -If you take things literally its linguistics but if you literally take things its Larson. Semantics or swindling, syntax or stealing, thesauruses or thief, grammar or grifting, phonetically or felony, illogical or illegal, scholar or scammer, of their pros are nouns cons are conjunctures urn pros are probations and your cons r convicts, u go from lower-class to lower case both one wishes the capital is letter, other the wishes the capitol is better, synonyms or sins oh him, or even if you are the mark to their twain or the bonnie to their Clyde, the Bruce to their Wayne or the falling to their Goethe before thing called pride: Either way you’re not getting invited to too many parties.
31. -My jokes are fast. They make the dialogue of the Gilmore girls on meth and red bull look like a sloth doing underwater tai chi!
32. -I speed dated which is which is just like the movie speed: there’s a bomb on the bus, if it drops under 55 mph the bus explodes, and I always meet a girl that looks like Keanu Reeves!
33. -My last two exes were tweakers: Ones name was Crystal Meth, the other was Beth Amphetamine…I never saved their phone numbers cuz every call for them was a speed dial!
34. -I want my jokes to raise the bar for everyone to try harder yet I do not want to reach a level that will go over your head…it is the opposite of limbo. It is like pole vaulting with punch lines!
35. -I wrote a joke about restraining orders. It is hard to follow. Audiences must keep at least 600 yards away while I will tell that joke!
36. -My jokes are the same when read on the page or said on the stage-like DiGornio: so good cannot believe it is not delivery! So that means if I lean to the left like I have an inner ear infection its cause the joke is written in italics. If I look confident and courageous, it is because I the font text was set on Bold. If I mispronounce a word, its cause there is a typo…Or if I just move, my lips but you do not hear the joke at all its cuz I wrote it in parenthesis!
37. Someone said I am a talented comedian but my jokes sound too much like jokes. You would not tell a guitarist he’s talented musician his songs sound too much like songs. Stop using chords, choruses, or even the strings!
38. I write one-liners because the only thing worse than a bad joke is a long bad joke! It is like cliff notes of comedy. Ch 1-I told a joke. Ch 2-no one laughed. Ch 3-the end!
39. Spock’s ear lobes are like my stories. They take too long to get to the point and they are weird or should I say ‘eerie’?
40. -My ex and I shared differences. I was a pieces and she was a cheating whore!
41. -I do not as if Hide n Go Seek cuz I do not like any game where you are either winning or your friends stopped playing! Either I am the love child from a threesome between Carmen Santiago, Waldo, and a four-leave clover. Alternatively, my friends will not remember I am missing until they see my photo on a back of an expired milk carton!
42. 6a person asked me to sign my name so I went (mime siegnlanguage) I spell my name L-I-P-S cuz I am always curious if the avg deaf person knows how to read lips!
43. -the movie rain man made counting cards look impossible. I tried. There are about 52 of them.
44. I want to write a book called ventriloquism for dummies and another called the complete idiots guide to being a savant!
45. -I tried to be a magician like Brandon the astonishing, the amazing, or the magnificent. However, I was more like Brandon the mediocre, the disappointing, the slightly annoying kid that needs a new hobby before he is old enough to use a real saw.
46. -I could never guess their card. It was like a game of go fish with high expectations!
47. -I would think snow globes were a lot less impressive in 1491!
48. -I combined a magic 8 ball with an etcher sketch so when you shake it up it erases the answers on the purple pyramid. It is the most indecisive toy ever!
49. 1I took a test where the teacher said mark all questions either true or false. So if it ended in a period. I put false, that is a declarative statement. If it ended in a question mark, I put true, that is an interrogative statement.
50. -Someone asked for help with a crossword and I said, CRUCIFIX!
51. -I asked a nurse for an IV and she gave me the Roman numeral four!
52. -The announcer from the price is right just got a PhD in meteorology. Today’s weather forecast: dark, cloudy, w a slight chance of…BRAND NEW CAR! Stay tuned for the weekly weather predictions of what Mother Nature has behind door number 3!
53. I smoke too much pot. Last time I gave a urine sample; there was a roach in it.
54. My cousin is needs a kidney transplant. The doctors say I’m a perfect match to be a donor although I’m pretty sure after I turned 18 both of my kid-knees became adult knees.
55. I didn’t know being cremated was a privilege not a right but apparently it’s something you have to “urn”!
56. ) Someone asked, “What’s the difference between Kill Bill Volume One and Kill Bill Volume two?”And I replied, “The decibel level!”
57. The DMV asked if I wanted to be a registered organ donor. I said, “No, musicians should have to purchase their own instruments.”
58. I met the girl of my dreams. But I have insomnia so she’s not that attractive! I met her in the waiting room at Operation Smile. She’s a porcelain mask and pipe organ from hammering ominous tones on a hauntingly harpsichord in the creepy catacomb below the stage of an Andrew Lloyd Webber production.
59. My last girl friend gave me two diseases that can only be transmitted orally. She gave me both: ADD & Narcolepsy. Because whenever she opened her mouth to tell a stupid story I found it was either impossible to pay attention or impossible to stay awake!
60. ) My friend was doing brain teasers in the Sunday paper and asked, “Can you help me with a crossword?”I said, “Sure, ‘crucifix’ is a ‘cross word’!”
61. Local church members wear rubber wrist bands with ‘WWJD’ on it? 2 things-First of all: I don’t think he would use an acronym, I’m pretty sure Jesus would take the time to spell out a 4 word question. And secondly, I’m pretty sure we know what he would do because his full length biography of his 33 years before being posted on a telephone pole and taking a 2,000 year sabbatical & moving back in with his dad like an unemployed newly college graduate has been on the bestseller list ever since.
62. Never smoke a shoe. It may be laced! Even if it you see it’s (k)-not! That joke is beneath us!
63. My neighbor married a trophy wife. Her name is 3rd place! She’s short and bronze so I assume he won her in a competition held on an episode of the Jersey Shore!
64. ) If I had a nickel for every time some asked, “Do you have a coin collection?”
65. By now, I would be telling the truth when I said, “Yes!”
66. ) I have a wrinkle free t-shirt. The t-shirt was 12 bucks but the wrinkles were free!
67. A pizzaria says we deliver any pizza at any time. So I ordered a pepperoni during paleolithic era.
68. For my Christmas my Uncle gave my cousin a razor sharp swiss army pocket knife and gave me a first aid kit full of gauze, peroxide, and neorsporen then he said, “You two share!”
69. I saw a sign “30 minute Customer Parking”. I wonder if the employees are that slow at parking too.
70. I saw a mint in poor condition.
71. If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
72. If you have dentures, dont put them under yuour pillow, cause tooth fairy will leave you counterfeit cash!
73. Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme... and it’s working
74. Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Stay Broke Quick” scheme…and it’s consistentant.
75. I don’t have a piggy bank but I do have a pint sized porcaline peniata full of penny flavored candy.
76. )This segment of the show is called, “Trial & Error”.
77. )My friend asked me if I wanted a bucket of ice and I said, “No, but I wanna bucket of room temperature water later, so yeah!”
78. GH makes an F sound, PH makes an F sound; it doesn’t make sense. It’s like F couldn’t handle all the sounds itself. That’s why F is the lowest grade cuz it Fd up making the worst word refered to the F-word. But GH only works the f sound gig part time: Like in the words with GH such as tough or rough its got it covered but in a word with a GH such as ghost-its taking a sabbatical. And PH always comes through like a PH word such as phone, no problem, but PH knew it was doing the heavy lifting so negotiated for a bonus and said, “If I’m working full time, I also wanna measure the chemical balance of chlorinated water and be when we team up with the letter D, we become a doctor, not like real one that works at a hospital but a fake one that works at a college, but even though we don’t get to wear a white lab coat like pharmacists (which we also spell while the alphabet literally doesn’t give an F when it comes to spelling phonetically-see yet again ‘phonetics’ were are ya F? Like the 4 leaf clover of letters). However, all this being said (without the letter F used much, we might add) we’ve decided that we’re willing to settle only on the conditional terms that we “PH”, get to be called doctors even though everyone knows were not doctors, that’s the deal, take it or leave it. Sure we’re not really doctors but we still get perks of the pompous pretentious prestigous prefix, “Dr”, no questions asked, we have a PhD (which requires a bachelors and masters) so we don’t need the 3rd degree we already have 3, including one in “Physics” which F was absent for again, so, Dr. PH from now on, we didn’t go to 6 years of silent letter school of scamming to be called “Mr.” PH.
79. Set up:
“When I was a kid my parents told me I was an only child…”
“…I thought, ONLY CHILD? I’m the last of endangered species!”
“…My first day of kindergarten was when I realized there was more of my kind!”
“…My first day of kindergarten was also when I realized you can get expelled for trying to prevent extinction by procreation during recess!\\
80. Set up:
“Some kids had a tricycle, others had a bicycle, I had the unicycle….”
a Punch line:
“…And not to brag but I’m pretty good at doing a wheelie!”
“…I’m sponsored by Neosporin!”
“…Unicycle: the only devices that will make you feel less balanced than a drunken Gary Busey with an ear infection!”
81. Set up:
“Men mature slower than women…”
“…This is why my dad was 42 before he developed breasts!”
“…My mom was only 36 when she developed a mustache!”
“…And my dad was born premature so he even had a head start!”
82. “When I was 19 I lost my virginity…”
a Punch line:
“…When I was 20 I realized I just misplaced it!”
“…It was hiding between my giant collection of socially awkward moments and even more giant collection of porn!”
“…My virginity was like my shadow: It followed me everywhere and my only chance of losing it was somewhere very-very dark!”\
83. “I want to open an adoption agency at Olive Garden…”
“…Cuz when you’re there you’re family!”
“…Adds whole new meaning to the term kid’s menu!”
“…Welcome to Orphan Garden: unlimited bastards & breadsticks at participating locations while supplies last!”
84. Set up:
“There are 10 reasons I can’t play guitar, piano, or bass.”
“…Those 10 reasons are my fingers!”
“…My friends call me the one man band that should break up!”
“…I may go solo before doing a reunion tour with all the original members!”
85. Set up:
“I’m so lazy I can only speed read…”
“…Books on tape!”
“…It’s easy to speed read books on audio: AKA- press FAST FORWARD!”
“…And I never lose my place with my book mark: AKA-PAUSE Button!”
86. Set up:
“Here’s how you can tell you’re lethargic at leafing through literature…”
a Punch line:
“…When your favorite author is a guy named…Cliff Notes!”
“…I’m so lazy I want to condense version of cliff notes…its just a cover!”
“…If a book has a chapter on hopscotch, I just skip it!”
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© Oct 1. 2012